Worn out by a caring job
The acrobats' simile says that caring for yourself is caring for others, and the reverse. The four boundless states in the canon include equanimity, spread with the same abundance as love and compassion and without hostility or ill will — not a withdrawal from them, and a different thing from the numbness that comes from carrying too much for too long. The Buddha's own account of overwork is that even good thinking, kept up too long, tires the body and then the mind. The suttas do not staff a ward or reduce a caseload. If the numbness has spread to the rest of your life, or you are not sleeping, talk to a doctor or to the support your profession offers, not only to a cushion.
What the suttas say
And how do you look after others by looking after yourself? By development, cultivation, and practice of meditation. And how do you look after yourself by looking after others? By acceptance, harmlessness, love, and sympathy.
The acrobats — the case that solitary practice is not selfish, and that care for others is itself practice.
Where this stops: For the worry that time given to one's own practice is taken from the people one cares for; not for a decision about having a child, and not a ruling on how to care for someone who is ill.
SN 47.19:3.1–3.5 · At Sedaka
Kathañca, bhikkhave, attānaṁ rakkhanto paraṁ rakkhati? Āsevanāya, bhāvanāya, bahulīkammena— evaṁ kho, bhikkhave, attānaṁ rakkhanto paraṁ rakkhati. Kathañca, bhikkhave, paraṁ rakkhanto attānaṁ rakkhati? Khantiyā, avihiṁsāya, mettacittatāya, anudayatāya—
Still, thinking and considering for too long would tire my body. And when the body is tired, the mind is stressed. And when the mind is stressed, it’s far from immersion.
The Buddha on overwork before awakening — even wholesome thinking, kept up too long, exhausts the body and then the mind.
Where this stops: Said of wholesome thoughts pursued too long; it is about pacing, not a warning against reflection.
MN 19:8.8–8.10 · Two Kinds of Thought
Api ca kho me aticiraṁ anuvitakkayato anuvicārayato kāyo kilameyya. Kāye kilante cittaṁ ūhaññeyya. Ūhate citte ārā cittaṁ samādhimhāti.
A carer with five qualities is competent to care for a patient. What five? They’re able to prepare medicine. They know what is suitable and unsuitable, so they remove what is unsuitable and supply what is suitable. They care for the sick out of love, not for the sake of material benefits. They’re not disgusted to remove feces, urine, vomit, or spit. They’re able to educate, encourage, fire up, and inspire the patient with a Dhamma talk from time to time. A carer with these five qualities is competent to care for a patient.
The canon's picture of a good carer — practical, motivated by love rather than gain, not disgusted by the body's needs, and able to encourage.
Where this stops: A description of a monastic carer's competence; it is not medical guidance, and it is not a standard for measuring an exhausted family carer who is doing their best.
AN 5.124:2.1–2.8 · A Carer (2nd)
Pañcahi, bhikkhave, dhammehi samannāgato gilānupaṭṭhāko alaṁ gilānaṁ upaṭṭhātuṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Paṭibalo hoti bhesajjaṁ saṁvidhātuṁ; sappāyāsappāyaṁ jānāti, asappāyaṁ apanāmeti, sappāyaṁ upanāmeti; mettacitto gilānaṁ upaṭṭhāti, no āmisantaro; ajegucchī hoti uccāraṁ vā passāvaṁ vā vantaṁ vā kheḷaṁ vā nīharituṁ; paṭibalo hoti gilānaṁ kālena kālaṁ dhammiyā kathāya sandassetuṁ samādapetuṁ samuttejetuṁ sampahaṁsetuṁ. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi dhammehi samannāgato gilānupaṭṭhāko alaṁ gilānaṁ upaṭṭhātunti.
They meditate spreading a heart full of equanimity to one direction, and to the second, and to the third, and to the fourth. In the same way above, below, across, everywhere, all around, they spread a heart full of equanimity to the whole world—abundant, expansive, limitless, free of enmity and ill will.
Equanimity as the fourth boundless state, spread with the same abundance as love and compassion rather than held back from them.
Where this stops: Equanimity here is without hostility or ill will, not indifference; it is not a technique for going numb in a caring job, and the formula is generic to the four states.
AN 3.65:42.4 · With the Kālāmas of Kesamutta
upekkhāsahagatena cetasā ekaṁ disaṁ pharitvā viharati, tathā dutiyaṁ, tathā tatiyaṁ, tathā catutthaṁ, iti uddhamadho tiriyaṁ sabbadhi sabbattatāya sabbāvantaṁ lokaṁ upekkhāsahagatena cetasā vipulena mahaggatena appamāṇena averena abyāpajjhena pharitvā viharati.
“Good fellow, how did you cross the flood?” “Neither standing nor swimming, respectable sir, I crossed the flood.” “But in what way did you cross the flood neither standing nor swimming?” “When I stood, I sank under. When I swam, I was swept away. That’s how I crossed the flood neither standing nor swimming.”
The shortest statement of right effort in the canon.
Where this stops: About effort in practice, the crossing itself; not a picture of caring for someone. Never use it to tell a tired carer they are straining or should stop.
SN 1.1:1.4–1.9 · Crossing the Flood
“kathaṁ nu tvaṁ, mārisa, oghamatarī”ti? “Appatiṭṭhaṁ khvāhaṁ, āvuso, anāyūhaṁ oghamatarin”ti. “Yathākathaṁ pana tvaṁ, mārisa, appatiṭṭhaṁ anāyūhaṁ oghamatarī”ti? “Yadāsvāhaṁ, āvuso, santiṭṭhāmi tadāssu saṁsīdāmi; yadāsvāhaṁ, āvuso, āyūhāmi tadāssu nibbuyhāmi. Evaṁ khvāhaṁ, āvuso, appatiṭṭhaṁ anāyūhaṁ oghamatarin”ti.