Wanting to go on retreat when home needs you
The acrobats' simile is the canon's answer to the charge of selfishness: caring for yourself is caring for others, and caring for others is caring for yourself. It sits beside the Buddha's picture of a good partnership as two people matched in faith, conduct, giving and understanding, which is worth bringing to the conversation about who carries what while you are away. The suttas also say that living alone is fulfilled inwardly, by what is let go of, not only by going somewhere quiet. What they will not do is set the dates or weigh a toddler against a three-month sit. That is a conversation with the people who will be carrying the load while you are gone.
What the suttas say
And how do you look after others by looking after yourself? By development, cultivation, and practice of meditation. And how do you look after yourself by looking after others? By acceptance, harmlessness, love, and sympathy.
The acrobats — the case that solitary practice is not selfish, and that care for others is itself practice.
Where this stops: For the worry that time given to one's own practice is taken from the people one cares for; not for a decision about having a child, and not a ruling on how to care for someone who is ill.
SN 47.19:3.1–3.5 · At Sedaka
Kathañca, bhikkhave, attānaṁ rakkhanto paraṁ rakkhati? Āsevanāya, bhāvanāya, bahulīkammena— evaṁ kho, bhikkhave, attānaṁ rakkhanto paraṁ rakkhati. Kathañca, bhikkhave, paraṁ rakkhanto attānaṁ rakkhati? Khantiyā, avihiṁsāya, mettacittatāya, anudayatāya—
Householders, if wife and husband want to see each other in both this life and the next, they should be equals in faith, ethics, generosity, and wisdom.
Nakula's parents — the Buddha's picture of a good partnership.
Where this stops: A picture of a partnership both people want; not a standard to measure a partner who broke faith against, and not a reason to stay.
AN 4.55:3.1 · Equality (1st)
Ākaṅkheyyuñce, gahapatayo, ubho jānipatayo diṭṭhe ceva dhamme aññamaññaṁ passituṁ abhisamparāyañca aññamaññaṁ passituṁ ubhova assu samasaddhā samasīlā samacāgā samapaññā, te diṭṭhe ceva dhamme aññamaññaṁ passanti abhisamparāyañca aññamaññaṁ passantīti.
“That is a kind of living alone, I don’t deny it. But as to how living alone is fulfilled in detail, listen and apply your mind well, I will speak.” “Yes, sir,” he replied. And how, Senior, is living alone fulfilled in detail? It’s when what’s in the past is given up, what’s in the future is relinquished, and desire and greed for present incarnations is eliminated.
The Elder who lived alone is told what living alone actually consists of — and it is not about company.
Where this stops: Never offered as if loneliness beside a partner or family were the point of the teaching.
SN 21.10:3.1–3.6 · Senior In Name Only
“Attheso, thera, ekavihāro neso natthīti vadāmi. Api ca, thera, yathā ekavihāro vitthārena paripuṇṇo hoti taṁ suṇāhi, sādhukaṁ manasi karohi; bhāsissāmī”ti. “Evaṁ, bhante”ti kho …pe…. Kathañca, thera, ekavihāro vitthārena paripuṇṇo hoti. Idha, thera, yaṁ atītaṁ taṁ pahīnaṁ, yaṁ anāgataṁ taṁ paṭinissaṭṭhaṁ, paccuppannesu ca attabhāvapaṭilābhesu chandarāgo suppaṭivinīto.
A carer with five qualities is competent to care for a patient. What five? They’re able to prepare medicine. They know what is suitable and unsuitable, so they remove what is unsuitable and supply what is suitable. They care for the sick out of love, not for the sake of material benefits. They’re not disgusted to remove feces, urine, vomit, or spit. They’re able to educate, encourage, fire up, and inspire the patient with a Dhamma talk from time to time. A carer with these five qualities is competent to care for a patient.
The canon's picture of a good carer — practical, motivated by love rather than gain, not disgusted by the body's needs, and able to encourage.
Where this stops: A description of a monastic carer's competence; it is not medical guidance, and it is not a standard for measuring an exhausted family carer who is doing their best.
AN 5.124:2.1–2.8 · A Carer (2nd)
Pañcahi, bhikkhave, dhammehi samannāgato gilānupaṭṭhāko alaṁ gilānaṁ upaṭṭhātuṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Paṭibalo hoti bhesajjaṁ saṁvidhātuṁ; sappāyāsappāyaṁ jānāti, asappāyaṁ apanāmeti, sappāyaṁ upanāmeti; mettacitto gilānaṁ upaṭṭhāti, no āmisantaro; ajegucchī hoti uccāraṁ vā passāvaṁ vā vantaṁ vā kheḷaṁ vā nīharituṁ; paṭibalo hoti gilānaṁ kālena kālaṁ dhammiyā kathāya sandassetuṁ samādapetuṁ samuttejetuṁ sampahaṁsetuṁ. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi dhammehi samannāgato gilānupaṭṭhāko alaṁ gilānaṁ upaṭṭhātunti.
A mendicant who lives like this is said to live alone, even if they live within a village crowded by monks, nuns, laymen, and laywomen; by rulers and their chief ministers, and monastics of other religions and their disciples. Why is that? For craving is their partner, and they have given it up.
Alone in a crowd and accompanied in the forest — Migajāla's question answered in terms of craving, not of headcount.
Where this stops: Said to a monk about what living alone means in practice. Never offer it to someone lonely in a relationship or short of friends as if their loneliness were the point of the teaching.
SN 35.63:3.14–3.17 · With Migajāla (1st)
Evaṁvihārī ca, migajāla, bhikkhu kiñcāpi gāmante viharati ākiṇṇo bhikkhūhi bhikkhunīhi upāsakehi upāsikāhi rājūhi rājamahāmattehi titthiyehi titthiyasāvakehi. Atha kho ekavihārīti vuccati. Taṁ kissa hetu? Taṇhā hissa dutiyā, sāssa pahīnā.