Trouble with in-laws
The canon's map of a household runs in six directions, each with duties both ways, and in-laws sit awkwardly across two of them, which is part of why this is hard. What the suttas offer is the part that is yours: the five ways anyone may speak to you, whether true or false, kind or harsh, and how to say a hard thing at the right time. They also picture a good partnership as two people who match each other in faith, in conduct, in giving and in understanding, which says something about who should be carrying the family question. They do not settle whose family's ways win, and they are not a script for the conversation with your partner.
What the suttas say
Householders, if wife and husband want to see each other in both this life and the next, they should be equals in faith, ethics, generosity, and wisdom.
Nakula's parents — the Buddha's picture of a good partnership.
Where this stops: A picture of a partnership both people want; not a standard to measure a partner who broke faith against, and not a reason to stay.
AN 4.55:3.1 · Equality (1st)
Ākaṅkheyyuñce, gahapatayo, ubho jānipatayo diṭṭhe ceva dhamme aññamaññaṁ passituṁ abhisamparāyañca aññamaññaṁ passituṁ ubhova assu samasaddhā samasīlā samacāgā samapaññā, te diṭṭhe ceva dhamme aññamaññaṁ passanti abhisamparāyañca aññamaññaṁ passantīti.
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
These six directions should be recognized: parents as the east, tutors as the south, partner and children as the west, friends and colleagues as the north, bondservants and workers as beneath, and ascetics and brahmins as above.
The canon's own map of a householder's relationships, the six directions, from parents in the east to ascetics and brahmins above.
Where this stops: Only the list of the six directions; how each one is looked after, parents included, follows it from DN 31:28.
DN 31:27.2–27.3 · Advice to Sigālaka
Cha imā, gahapatiputta, disā veditabbā. Puratthimā disā mātāpitaro veditabbā, dakkhiṇā disā ācariyā veditabbā, pacchimā disā puttadārā veditabbā, uttarā disā mittāmaccā veditabbā, heṭṭhimā disā dāsakammakarā veditabbā, uparimā disā samaṇabrāhmaṇā veditabbā.
Mendicants, there are these five ways in which others might criticize you. Their speech may be timely or untimely, true or false, gentle or harsh, beneficial or harmful, from a heart of love or from secret hate.
How to receive speech, including unfair speech.
MN 21:11.1–11.6 · The Simile of the Saw
Pañcime, bhikkhave, vacanapathā yehi vo pare vadamānā vadeyyuṁ— kālena vā akālena vā; bhūtena vā abhūtena vā; saṇhena vā pharusena vā; atthasaṁhitena vā anatthasaṁhitena vā; mettacittā vā dosantarā vā.
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.