Sexual desire and practice
Much of the canon's strongest language about sensual pleasure is framed around renunciation, and it helps to read it that way. The lay precept is different: it concerns sexual conduct that harms, and it is argued from the plainest place — how would I feel if this were done to me. The similes for sensual pleasure are for seeing how wanting works, not for making a householder ashamed of a partnership; the same canon holds up a long-married couple, matched in faith, conduct, giving and understanding, as its picture of a good life together. The passages here do not give sexual advice, and they do not tell a couple what their life together should be.
What the suttas say
Gnawing on such a fleshless skeleton, would that dog still get rid of its hunger? “No, sir. Why not? Because that skeleton is scraped clean of flesh and smeared in blood. That dog will eventually get weary and frustrated.”
The skeleton simile — why wanting is not quieted by getting.
Where this stops: One of seven similes for sensual pleasure; use it for the hunger, not as a verdict on the person or on pleasure itself. It is about the pull of a pleasure or an appetite, not about resentment, a grievance, money one is owed, or attachment to a teacher or a partner. Where a habit has become a dependency, it is for a doctor or a program first.
MN 54:15.4–15.8 · With Potaliya the Householder
api nu kho so kukkuro amuṁ aṭṭhikaṅkalaṁ sunikkantaṁ nikkantaṁ nimmaṁsaṁ lohitamakkhitaṁ palehanto jighacchādubbalyaṁ paṭivineyyāti? “No hetaṁ, bhante”. “Taṁ kissa hetu”? “Aduñhi, bhante, aṭṭhikaṅkalaṁ sunikkantaṁ nikkantaṁ nimmaṁsaṁ lohitamakkhitaṁ. Yāvadeva pana so kukkuro kilamathassa vighātassa bhāgī assā”ti.
Mendicants, these five gifts are great, primordial, long-standing, customary, and traditional. They are uncorrupted, as they have been since the beginning. They’re not being corrupted now nor will they be. Sensible ascetics and brahmins don’t look down on them. What five? Firstly, a noble disciple gives up killing living creatures. By so doing they give to countless sentient beings the gift of freedom from fear, enmity, and ill will. And they themselves also enjoy unlimited freedom from fear, enmity, and ill will.
The precepts described as gifts — keeping one gives countless beings safety from fear, hostility, and ill will, and the one who keeps it shares in that safety.
Where this stops: The sutta counts the precepts among kinds of merit that lead to heaven; carry the picture of a precept as a gift, not the accounting. Never offered as a ruling on whether to continue a pregnancy.
AN 8.39:3.3–3.7 · Overflowing Merit
Pañcimāni, bhikkhave, dānāni mahādānāni aggaññāni rattaññāni vaṁsaññāni porāṇāni asaṅkiṇṇāni asaṅkiṇṇapubbāni, na saṅkiyanti na saṅkiyissanti, appaṭikuṭṭhāni samaṇehi brāhmaṇehi viññūhi. Katamāni pañca? Idha, bhikkhave, ariyasāvako pāṇātipātaṁ pahāya pāṇātipātā paṭivirato hoti. Pāṇātipātā paṭivirato, bhikkhave, ariyasāvako aparimāṇānaṁ sattānaṁ abhayaṁ deti, averaṁ deti, abyābajjhaṁ deti. Aparimāṇānaṁ sattānaṁ abhayaṁ datvā averaṁ datvā abyābajjhaṁ datvā aparimāṇassa abhayassa averassa abyābajjhassa bhāgī hoti.
The more they scratch their wounds and cauterize their body, the more their wounds become foul, stinking, and infected. But still, they derive a degree of pleasure and gratification from the itchiness of their wounds.
The leper simile — the exact mechanism of a habit that feeds what it relieves.
Where this stops: Māgaṇḍiya's simile is about the perception that a burning thing is pleasant; it is not a diagnosis of any particular person's illness or dependency.
MN 75:17.2 · With Māgaṇḍiya
Yathā yathā kho, māgaṇḍiya, asu kuṭṭhī puriso arugatto pakkagatto kimīhi khajjamāno nakhehi vaṇamukhāni vippatacchamāno aṅgārakāsuyā kāyaṁ paritāpeti tathā tathāssa tāni vaṇamukhāni asucitarāni ceva honti duggandhatarāni ca pūtikatarāni ca, hoti ceva kāci sātamattā assādamattā—yadidaṁ vaṇamukhānaṁ kaṇḍūvanahetu;
Householders, if wife and husband want to see each other in both this life and the next, they should be equals in faith, ethics, generosity, and wisdom.
Nakula's parents — the Buddha's picture of a good partnership.
Where this stops: A picture of a partnership both people want; not a standard to measure a partner who broke faith against, and not a reason to stay.
AN 4.55:3.1 · Equality (1st)
Ākaṅkheyyuñce, gahapatayo, ubho jānipatayo diṭṭhe ceva dhamme aññamaññaṁ passituṁ abhisamparāyañca aññamaññaṁ passituṁ ubhova assu samasaddhā samasīlā samacāgā samapaññā, te diṭṭhe ceva dhamme aññamaññaṁ passanti abhisamparāyañca aññamaññaṁ passantīti.
Furthermore, a noble disciple reflects: ‘If someone were to have relations with my wives, I wouldn’t like it. But if I were to have relations with someone else’s wives, he wouldn’t like that either. The thing that is disliked by me is also disliked by others. Since I dislike this thing, how can I inflict it on others?’
The precept on sexual conduct argued the same way — from how it would feel to be on the other side.
Where this stops: Spoken to men of a society with several wives to a household; what carries is the question it asks, not the household it assumes.
SN 55.7:6.1–6.5 · The People of Bamboo Gate
Puna caparaṁ, gahapatayo, ariyasāvako iti paṭisañcikkhati: ‘yo kho me dāresu cārittaṁ āpajjeyya, na metaṁ assa piyaṁ manāpaṁ. Ahañceva kho pana parassa dāresu cārittaṁ āpajjeyyaṁ, parassapi taṁ assa appiyaṁ amanāpaṁ. Yo kho myāyaṁ dhammo appiyo amanāpo, parassa peso dhammo appiyo amanāpo. Yo kho myāyaṁ dhammo appiyo amanāpo, kathāhaṁ paraṁ tena saṁyojeyyan’ti.