When politics divides the family
The Aṭṭhakavagga's portrait of the debater — each side calling the other a fool, the hunger for praise that makes them anxious, the embarrassment of being refuted — fits a family group chat as well as an assembly of ancient philosophers. It describes what contention does to the person caught in it. The suttas are just as clear that there is a right time to say an unwelcome truth, so they do not counsel silence as a virtue, and they do not say which side of an election is right. What they can do is separate the view from the fight, and help you choose which conversations are true, useful, and timely, and which are only the argument having you.
What the suttas say
where each takes the other as a fool. Relying on others they state their contention, desiring praise while claiming to be skilled. Addicted to debating in the midst of the assembly, their need for praise makes them nervous. But when they’re repudiated they get embarrassed;
The anatomy of the argument — praise-seeking, anxiety, embarrassment, fault-finding — as fresh as any comment thread.
Where this stops: Never a reason to keep quiet about a real harm.
Snp 4.8:2.2–3.3 · With Pasūra
Bālaṁ dahantī mithu aññamaññaṁ; Vadanti te aññasitā kathojjaṁ, Pasaṁsakāmā kusalā vadānā. Yutto kathāyaṁ parisāya majjhe, Pasaṁsamicchaṁ vinighāti hoti; Apāhatasmiṁ pana maṅku hoti,
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
Saying, ‘Such is an elephant, not such! Such is not an elephant, such is!’ they punched each other with their fists. At that, the king was pleased. In the same way, mendicants, the wanderers of other religions are blind and sightless. They don’t understand what is beneficial or what is not beneficial, nor what is the truth and what is not the truth. That’s why they are fighting, quarreling, and disputing, continually wounding each other with barbed words.
The blind men and the elephant, in its canonical form and with its actual conclusion.
Where this stops: The sutta is about sectarian wanderers, not about all views being equally partial; it does not say the Buddha's teaching is one more hand on the elephant.
Ud 6.4:30.1–31.3 · Followers of Various Other Religions (1st)
Te ‘ediso hatthī, nediso hatthī; nediso hatthī, ediso hatthī’ti aññamaññaṁ muṭṭhīhi saṁsumbhiṁsu. Tena ca pana, bhikkhave, so rājā attamano ahosi. Evamevaṁ kho, bhikkhave, aññatitthiyā paribbājakā andhā acakkhukā. Te atthaṁ na jānanti anatthaṁ na jānanti, dhammaṁ na jānanti adhammaṁ na jānanti. Te atthaṁ ajānantā anatthaṁ ajānantā, dhammaṁ ajānantā adhammaṁ ajānantā bhaṇḍanajātā kalahajātā vivādāpannā aññamaññaṁ mukhasattīhi vitudantā viharanti:
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.
“Mendicants, a mendicant should use these five ways to completely get rid of resentment when it has arisen toward anyone. What five? You should develop love for an individual you resent. That’s how to get rid of resentment for that individual. You should develop compassion for an individual you resent. … You should develop equanimity for an individual you resent. … You should disregard an individual you resent, paying no attention to them. … You should focus on the ownership of deeds regarding that individual: ‘This venerable is the owner of their deeds and heir to their deeds. Deeds are their womb, their relative, and their refuge. They shall be the heir of whatever deeds they do, whether good or bad.’ That’s how to get rid of resentment for that individual. A mendicant should use these five ways to completely get rid of resentment when it has arisen toward anyone.”
A practical list — love, compassion, equanimity, not attending, reflecting on kamma.
Where this stops: Reflecting that people own their deeds is never a way to call someone's misfortune their kamma, and putting down resentment is never a reason to stay near someone who keeps doing harm.
AN 5.161:1.1–1.15 · Getting Rid of Resentment (1st)
“Pañcime, bhikkhave, āghātapaṭivinayā yattha bhikkhuno uppanno āghāto sabbaso paṭivinetabbo. Katame pañca? Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, mettā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, karuṇā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, upekkhā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, asatiamanasikāro tasmiṁ puggale āpajjitabbo; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, kammassakatā tasmiṁ puggale adhiṭṭhātabbā: ‘kammassako ayamāyasmā kammadāyādo kammayoni kammabandhu kammapaṭisaraṇo, yaṁ kammaṁ karissati kalyāṇaṁ vā pāpakaṁ vā tassa dāyādo bhavissatī’ti; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Ime kho, bhikkhave, pañca āghātapaṭivinayā, yattha bhikkhuno uppanno āghāto sabbaso paṭivinetabbo”ti.