When your parents disapprove of how you live
The canon honors parents in its strongest terms: they cannot easily be repaid, because they brought you up, fed you, and opened the world to you. What it names as the repayment is not obedience but helping them toward faith, ethics, generosity, and wisdom — which is a different thing from living the life they pictured. The suttas also describe when to say something true and useful to a person who does not want to hear it. They do not decide whose picture of your life is right. If your safety or your housing depends on your parents' approval, that is a practical matter first, and worth taking to someone who can help with it.
What the suttas say
Mendicants, a family where the children honor their parents in their home is said to live with divinity. A family where the children honor their parents in their home is said to live with the first tutors. A family where the children honor their parents in their home is said to live with those worthy of offerings dedicated to the gods. ‘Divinity’ is a term for your parents. ‘First tutors’ is a term for your parents.
On caring for parents.
Where this stops: It assumes parents who raised and cared for their children; never use it to press anyone back into contact, or into care they cannot give.
AN 3.31:1.1–1.5 · With Divinity
Sabrahmakāni, bhikkhave, tāni kulāni yesaṁ puttānaṁ mātāpitaro ajjhāgāre pūjitā honti. Sapubbācariyakāni, bhikkhave, tāni kulāni yesaṁ puttānaṁ mātāpitaro ajjhāgāre pūjitā honti. Sāhuneyyāni, bhikkhave, tāni kulāni yesaṁ puttānaṁ mātāpitaro ajjhāgāre pūjitā honti. ‘Brahmā’ti, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ etaṁ adhivacanaṁ. ‘Pubbācariyā’ti, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ etaṁ adhivacanaṁ.
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
“Mendicants, I say that these two individuals cannot easily be repaid. What two? Mother and father. You would not have done enough to repay your mother and father even if you were to carry your mother around on one shoulder and your father on the other, and if you lived like this for a hundred years, and if you were to anoint, massage, bathe, and rub them; and even if they were to defecate and urinate right there. Even if you were to establish your mother and father as supreme monarchs of this great earth, abounding in the seven treasures, you would still not have done enough to repay them. Why is that? Parents are very helpful to their children: they raise them, nurture them, and show them the world. But you have done enough, more than enough, to repay them if you encourage, settle, and ground unfaithful parents in faith, unethical parents in ethical conduct, stingy parents in generosity, or ignorant parents in wisdom.”
The canon's strongest statement of what is owed to parents, with an unexpected answer about how it is repaid — not by service alone, but by helping them toward faith, ethics, generosity, and wisdom.
Where this stops: It assumes parents who raised and nurtured the child; it says nothing about a parent who did harm and must never be used to press an adult child back into contact.
AN 2.33:1.1–1.9 · The Chapter on the Peaceful Mind
“Dvinnāhaṁ, bhikkhave, na suppatikāraṁ vadāmi. Katamesaṁ dvinnaṁ? Mātu ca pitu ca. Ekena, bhikkhave, aṁsena mātaraṁ parihareyya, ekena aṁsena pitaraṁ parihareyya vassasatāyuko vassasatajīvī so ca nesaṁ ucchādanaparimaddananhāpanasambāhanena. Te ca tattheva muttakarīsaṁ cajeyyuṁ, na tveva, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ kataṁ vā hoti paṭikataṁ vā. Imissā ca, bhikkhave, mahāpathaviyā pahūtarattaratanāya mātāpitaro issarādhipacce rajje patiṭṭhāpeyya, na tveva, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ kataṁ vā hoti paṭikataṁ vā. Taṁ kissa hetu? Bahukārā, bhikkhave, mātāpitaro puttānaṁ āpādakā posakā imassa lokassa dassetāro. Yo ca kho, bhikkhave, mātāpitaro assaddhe saddhāsampadāya samādapeti niveseti patiṭṭhāpeti, dussīle sīlasampadāya samādapeti niveseti patiṭṭhāpeti, maccharī cāgasampadāya samādapeti niveseti patiṭṭhāpeti, duppaññe paññāsampadāya samādapeti niveseti patiṭṭhāpeti, ettāvatā kho, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ katañca hoti paṭikatañcā”ti.
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.