Old friends and a changed life
The Sigālaka Sutta names, among four kinds of false friend, the companion who is only there for the drinking, the nights out, and the gambling. It also names four true friends: the helper who looks out for you when you are careless, the friend who stays the same through good times and bad, the adviser who steers you away from wrong, and the one who is glad when things go well for you. None of that turns old friends into bad ones because they live differently, and the feeling of having outgrown people is worth checking for pride. What the passages can help with is the choosing: which friendships feed the life you are trying to live, and how to stay kind to the ones that don't.
What the suttas say
“Sir, good friends, companions, and associates are half the spiritual life.” Not so, Ānanda! Not so, Ānanda! Good friends, companions, and associates are the whole of the spiritual life. A mendicant with good friends, companions, and associates can expect to develop and cultivate the noble eightfold path.
Ānanda says half; the Buddha says all of it.
Where this stops: Never used to make someone without such friends feel that their practice is lacking.
SN 45.2:1.4–2.3 · Half the Spiritual Life
“upaḍḍhamidaṁ, bhante, brahmacariyaṁ, yadidaṁ—kalyāṇamittatā kalyāṇasahāyatā kalyāṇasampavaṅkatā”ti. Mā hevaṁ, ānanda, mā hevaṁ, ānanda. Sakalamevidaṁ, ānanda, brahmacariyaṁ, yadidaṁ—kalyāṇamittatā kalyāṇasahāyatā kalyāṇasampavaṅkatā. Kalyāṇamittassetaṁ, ānanda, bhikkhuno pāṭikaṅkhaṁ kalyāṇasahāyassa kalyāṇasampavaṅkassa—ariyaṁ aṭṭhaṅgikaṁ maggaṁ bhāvessati, ariyaṁ aṭṭhaṅgikaṁ maggaṁ bahulīkarissati.
There are these six drawbacks of habitually consuming intoxicants of beer, wine, and liquor. Immediate loss of wealth, promotion of quarrels, susceptibility to illness, disrepute, indecent exposure; and weakened wisdom is the sixth thing. These are the six drawbacks of habitually consuming intoxicants of beer, wine, and liquor.
Six drawbacks of habitual drinking, given to a young householder entirely in terms of this life — wasted money, quarrels, illness, a bad name, exposing oneself, and a weakening of wisdom.
Where this stops: Said of habitual drinking and offered as a list for reflection; it is not a diagnosis, and someone whose drinking has become a dependency needs more than a list.
DN 31:8.1–8.3 · Advice to Sigālaka
Cha khome, gahapatiputta, ādīnavā surāmerayamajjappamādaṭṭhānānuyoge. Sandiṭṭhikā dhanajāni, kalahappavaḍḍhanī, rogānaṁ āyatanaṁ, akittisañjananī, kopīnanidaṁsanī, paññāya dubbalikaraṇītveva chaṭṭhaṁ padaṁ bhavati. Ime kho, gahapatiputta, cha ādīnavā surāmerayamajjappamādaṭṭhānānuyoge.
Mendicants, you should associate with a friend who has seven factors. What seven? They give what is hard to give. They do what is hard to do. They endure what is hard to endure. They reveal their secrets to you. They keep your secrets. They don’t abandon you in times of trouble. They don’t look down on you in times of loss. You should associate with a friend who has these seven factors. A friend gives what is hard to give, and does what’s hard to do. They put up with your harsh words, and with things hard to endure. They tell you their secrets, and keep your secrets for you. They don’t abandon you in times of trouble, or look down on you in times of loss.
What to look for and what to be in a friend.
AN 7.36:1.1–3.4 · A Friend (1st)
Sattahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgato mitto sevitabbo. Katamehi sattahi? Duddadaṁ dadāti, dukkaraṁ karoti, dukkhamaṁ khamati, guyhamassa āvi karoti, guyhamassa pariguhati, āpadāsu na jahati, khīṇena nātimaññati. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, sattahi aṅgehi samannāgato mitto sevitabboti. Duddadaṁ dadāti mitto, dukkarañcāpi kubbati; Athopissa duruttāni, khamati dukkhamāni ca. Guyhañca tassa akkhāti, guyhassa parigūhati; Āpadāsu na jahāti, khīṇena nātimaññati.
You can recognize a fake friend who’s a spender on four grounds. They accompany you when drinking, roaming the street markets at night, frequenting festivals, and gambling. You can recognize a fake friend who’s a spender on these four grounds.
The companion who is there only for the drinking and the nights out, named as one of four fake friends.
Where this stops: A type, not a verdict on anyone who enjoys a drink with you; the sutta puts it among the ways a friend can be false, for looking, not labelling.
DN 31:19.1–19.3 · Advice to Sigālaka
Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi apāyasahāyo amitto mittapatirūpako veditabbo. Surāmerayamajjappamādaṭṭhānānuyoge sahāyo hoti, vikālavisikhācariyānuyoge sahāyo hoti, samajjābhicaraṇe sahāyo hoti, jūtappamādaṭṭhānānuyoge sahāyo hoti. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi apāyasahāyo amitto mittapatirūpako veditabboti.
“Householder’s son, you should recognize these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend in good times and bad, the counselor, and the one who’s sympathetic. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s a helper on four grounds. They guard you when you’re negligent. They guard your property when you’re negligent. They keep you safe in times of danger. When something needs doing, they provide you with twice the money you need. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s a helper on these four grounds. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s the same in good times and bad on four grounds. They tell you secrets. They keep your secrets. They don’t abandon you in times of trouble. They’d even give their life for your welfare. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s the same in good times and bad on these four grounds. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s a counselor on four grounds. They keep you from doing bad. They support you in doing good. They teach you what you do not know. They explain the path to heaven. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s a counselor on these four grounds. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s sympathetic on four grounds. They don’t delight in your misfortune. They delight in your good fortune. They keep others from criticizing you. They encourage praise of you. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s sympathetic on these four grounds.”
Friendship in concrete terms — one who looks out for you when you are off guard, one whose loyalty holds whatever your fortunes and who keeps your confidences, one who turns you from wrongdoing, and one who is glad when things go well for you.
Where this stops: The line that such a friend would even die for you is the outer edge of the ideal, not a test a friendship has to pass.
DN 31:21.1–25.3 · Advice to Sigālaka
“Cattārome, gahapatiputta, mittā suhadā veditabbā. Upakāro mitto suhado veditabbo, samānasukhadukkho mitto suhado veditabbo, atthakkhāyī mitto suhado veditabbo, anukampako mitto suhado veditabbo. Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi upakāro mitto suhado veditabbo. Pamattaṁ rakkhati, pamattassa sāpateyyaṁ rakkhati, bhītassa saraṇaṁ hoti, uppannesu kiccakaraṇīyesu taddiguṇaṁ bhogaṁ anuppadeti. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi upakāro mitto suhado veditabbo. Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi samānasukhadukkho mitto suhado veditabbo. Guyhamassa ācikkhati, guyhamassa parigūhati, āpadāsu na vijahati, jīvitaṁpissa atthāya pariccattaṁ hoti. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi samānasukhadukkho mitto suhado veditabbo. Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi atthakkhāyī mitto suhado veditabbo. Pāpā nivāreti, kalyāṇe niveseti, assutaṁ sāveti, saggassa maggaṁ ācikkhati. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi atthakkhāyī mitto suhado veditabbo. Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi anukampako mitto suhado veditabbo. Abhavenassa na nandati, bhavenassa nandati, avaṇṇaṁ bhaṇamānaṁ nivāreti, vaṇṇaṁ bhaṇamānaṁ pasaṁsati. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi anukampako mitto suhado veditabbo”ti.