Losing your temper with your children
The Buddha taught his own young son with a water dipper and one instruction — never lie, not even in fun — which is worth noticing for its size and its gentleness. The suttas on anger apply exactly here: what feeds it, what it costs, what to do with it in the moment and after. Remorse in the canon is short and followed by repair; with a child, the repair is the apology, and the passages are not a substitute for it. If the anger has become frightening to you or to them, a passage is the wrong first call.
What the suttas say
Parents served by the children in these five ways show sympathy to them in five ways. They keep them from doing bad. They support them in doing good. They train them in a profession. They connect them with a suitable partner. They transfer the inheritance in due time.
The parent's side of the eastern quarter — the canon's short job description for raising a child.
Where this stops: Arranging a marriage and handing over the inheritance belong to the ancient household; the first two duties are the portable ones. Never guidance on a child's safety, medical care or custody.
DN 31:28.3–28.4 · Advice to Sigālaka
Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, pañcahi ṭhānehi puttena puratthimā disā mātāpitaro paccupaṭṭhitā pañcahi ṭhānehi puttaṁ anukampanti. Pāpā nivārenti, kalyāṇe nivesenti, sippaṁ sikkhāpenti, patirūpena dārena saṁyojenti, samaye dāyajjaṁ niyyādenti.
“Mendicants, a mendicant should use these five ways to completely get rid of resentment when it has arisen toward anyone. What five? You should develop love for an individual you resent. That’s how to get rid of resentment for that individual. You should develop compassion for an individual you resent. … You should develop equanimity for an individual you resent. … You should disregard an individual you resent, paying no attention to them. … You should focus on the ownership of deeds regarding that individual: ‘This venerable is the owner of their deeds and heir to their deeds. Deeds are their womb, their relative, and their refuge. They shall be the heir of whatever deeds they do, whether good or bad.’ That’s how to get rid of resentment for that individual. A mendicant should use these five ways to completely get rid of resentment when it has arisen toward anyone.”
A practical list — love, compassion, equanimity, not attending, reflecting on kamma.
Where this stops: Reflecting that people own their deeds is never a way to call someone's misfortune their kamma, and putting down resentment is never a reason to stay near someone who keeps doing harm.
AN 5.161:1.1–1.15 · Getting Rid of Resentment (1st)
“Pañcime, bhikkhave, āghātapaṭivinayā yattha bhikkhuno uppanno āghāto sabbaso paṭivinetabbo. Katame pañca? Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, mettā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, karuṇā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, upekkhā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, asatiamanasikāro tasmiṁ puggale āpajjitabbo; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, kammassakatā tasmiṁ puggale adhiṭṭhātabbā: ‘kammassako ayamāyasmā kammadāyādo kammayoni kammabandhu kammapaṭisaraṇo, yaṁ kammaṁ karissati kalyāṇaṁ vā pāpakaṁ vā tassa dāyādo bhavissatī’ti; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Ime kho, bhikkhave, pañca āghātapaṭivinayā, yattha bhikkhuno uppanno āghāto sabbaso paṭivinetabbo”ti.
If, while checking in this way, you know: ‘This act with the body that I have done leads to hurting myself, hurting others, or hurting both. It’s unskillful, with suffering as its outcome and result.’ Then, Rāhula, you should confess, reveal, and clarify such a deed to the Teacher or a sensible spiritual companion. And having revealed it you should restrain yourself in future.
The Buddha's instruction to his own son — the full arc — check, confess, restrain.
Where this stops: For an act that did harm. It is not for guilt where nothing wrong was done, such as a carer who cannot do everything or someone afraid that wanting a child is selfish.
MN 61:11.4–11.7 · Advice to Rāhula at Ambalaṭṭhika
Sace kho tvaṁ, rāhula, paccavekkhamāno evaṁ jāneyyāsi: ‘yaṁ kho ahaṁ idaṁ kāyena kammaṁ akāsiṁ, idaṁ me kāyakammaṁ attabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati, parabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati, ubhayabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati— akusalaṁ idaṁ kāyakammaṁ dukkhudrayaṁ dukkhavipākan’ti, evarūpaṁ te, rāhula, kāyakammaṁ satthari vā viññūsu vā sabrahmacārīsu desetabbaṁ, vivaritabbaṁ, uttānīkātabbaṁ; desetvā vivaritvā uttānīkatvā āyatiṁ saṁvaraṁ āpajjitabbaṁ.
In the same way, when someone is not ashamed to tell a deliberate lie, there is no bad deed they would not do, I say. So you should train like this: ‘I will not tell a lie, even for a joke.’
The Buddha teaching his seven-year-old with a water dipper and an elephant — the one thing he chose to teach first.
Where this stops: Rāhula was a novice monk; the setting is monastic even though the lesson is a parent's. Never guidance on a child's safety, medical care or custody.
MN 61:7.9–7.10 · Advice to Rāhula at Ambalaṭṭhika
Evameva kho, rāhula, yassa kassaci sampajānamusāvāde natthi lajjā, nāhaṁ tassa kiñci pāpaṁ akaraṇīyanti vadāmi. Tasmātiha te, rāhula, ‘hassāpi na musā bhaṇissāmī’ti—
Even as a mother would protect with her life her child, her only child, so too for all creatures unfold a boundless heart. With love for the whole world, unfold a boundless heart: above, below, all round, unconstricted, without enmity or foe. When standing, walking, sitting, or lying down while yet unweary, keep this ever in mind; for this, they say, is a divine meditation in this life.
The Metta Sutta's central image, in the canon's own words.
Where this stops: The verses are an ideal of the practitioner; the opening lines describing a skilled and honest person are a description, not a prerequisite for beginning. Never use it to quiet anger that has something to say, and never present it as a recitation that protects anyone. The mother guarding her only child is not for someone after a pregnancy loss.
Kp 9:7.1–9.4 · The Discourse on Love
Mātā yathā niyaṁ puttam Āyusā ekaputtamanurakkhe; Evampi sabbabhūtesu, Mānasaṁ bhāvaye aparimāṇaṁ. Mettañca sabbalokasmi, Mānasaṁ bhāvaye aparimāṇaṁ; Uddhaṁ adho ca tiriyañca, Asambādhaṁ averamasapattaṁ. Tiṭṭhaṁ caraṁ nisinno va, Sayāno yāvatāssa vitamiddho; Etaṁ satiṁ adhiṭṭheyya, Brahmametaṁ vihāramidhamāhu.