Keeping a friend's secret
Among the marks of a good friend the suttas list, side by side, that they confide in you and keep your confidences. The teaching on speech is exact about the other side: carrying tales between people to set them against each other is divisive speech, and the test for saying something hard is whether it is true, beneficial, and timely. Those tools help, but they do not decide a case where keeping a secret leaves someone deceived or at risk. If a friend's secret involves danger to them or to anyone else, the suttas' concern with divisive speech is not a reason to stay quiet with someone who can act. If you are the one who broke a confidence, the teaching on remorse — see it, admit it, hold back from it — applies directly.
What the suttas say
“Sir, good friends, companions, and associates are half the spiritual life.” Not so, Ānanda! Not so, Ānanda! Good friends, companions, and associates are the whole of the spiritual life. A mendicant with good friends, companions, and associates can expect to develop and cultivate the noble eightfold path.
Ānanda says half; the Buddha says all of it.
Where this stops: Never used to make someone without such friends feel that their practice is lacking.
SN 45.2:1.4–2.3 · Half the Spiritual Life
“upaḍḍhamidaṁ, bhante, brahmacariyaṁ, yadidaṁ—kalyāṇamittatā kalyāṇasahāyatā kalyāṇasampavaṅkatā”ti. Mā hevaṁ, ānanda, mā hevaṁ, ānanda. Sakalamevidaṁ, ānanda, brahmacariyaṁ, yadidaṁ—kalyāṇamittatā kalyāṇasahāyatā kalyāṇasampavaṅkatā. Kalyāṇamittassetaṁ, ānanda, bhikkhuno pāṭikaṅkhaṁ kalyāṇasahāyassa kalyāṇasampavaṅkassa—ariyaṁ aṭṭhaṅgikaṁ maggaṁ bhāvessati, ariyaṁ aṭṭhaṅgikaṁ maggaṁ bahulīkarissati.
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
Mendicants, you should associate with a friend who has seven factors. What seven? They give what is hard to give. They do what is hard to do. They endure what is hard to endure. They reveal their secrets to you. They keep your secrets. They don’t abandon you in times of trouble. They don’t look down on you in times of loss. You should associate with a friend who has these seven factors. A friend gives what is hard to give, and does what’s hard to do. They put up with your harsh words, and with things hard to endure. They tell you their secrets, and keep your secrets for you. They don’t abandon you in times of trouble, or look down on you in times of loss.
What to look for and what to be in a friend.
AN 7.36:1.1–3.4 · A Friend (1st)
Sattahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgato mitto sevitabbo. Katamehi sattahi? Duddadaṁ dadāti, dukkaraṁ karoti, dukkhamaṁ khamati, guyhamassa āvi karoti, guyhamassa pariguhati, āpadāsu na jahati, khīṇena nātimaññati. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, sattahi aṅgehi samannāgato mitto sevitabboti. Duddadaṁ dadāti mitto, dukkarañcāpi kubbati; Athopissa duruttāni, khamati dukkhamāni ca. Guyhañca tassa akkhāti, guyhassa parigūhati; Āpadāsu na jahāti, khīṇena nātimaññati.
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.
If, while checking in this way, you know: ‘This act with the body that I have done leads to hurting myself, hurting others, or hurting both. It’s unskillful, with suffering as its outcome and result.’ Then, Rāhula, you should confess, reveal, and clarify such a deed to the Teacher or a sensible spiritual companion. And having revealed it you should restrain yourself in future.
The Buddha's instruction to his own son — the full arc — check, confess, restrain.
Where this stops: For an act that did harm. It is not for guilt where nothing wrong was done, such as a carer who cannot do everything or someone afraid that wanting a child is selfish.
MN 61:11.4–11.7 · Advice to Rāhula at Ambalaṭṭhika
Sace kho tvaṁ, rāhula, paccavekkhamāno evaṁ jāneyyāsi: ‘yaṁ kho ahaṁ idaṁ kāyena kammaṁ akāsiṁ, idaṁ me kāyakammaṁ attabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati, parabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati, ubhayabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati— akusalaṁ idaṁ kāyakammaṁ dukkhudrayaṁ dukkhavipākan’ti, evarūpaṁ te, rāhula, kāyakammaṁ satthari vā viññūsu vā sabrahmacārīsu desetabbaṁ, vivaritabbaṁ, uttānīkātabbaṁ; desetvā vivaritvā uttānīkatvā āyatiṁ saṁvaraṁ āpajjitabbaṁ.