Deciding about care for an aging parent

The suttas rank care for parents very high — a family that honours its parents is said to have Brahmā living in it. Their picture of a good nurse is practical rather than heroic: someone who knows what helps and what harms, serves from love rather than for gain, and does not shrink from the body's needs. Knowing what helps can mean seeing that the care has outgrown what one person at home can safely give. That judgement is yours and your family's, made with the doctors, and a move to more care is not a failure of love. The reflection the Buddha asked everyone to make often — that I too will age and fall ill — does not make the decision easier, but it names the decline as the ordinary course of things rather than anyone's failure. What the suttas cannot do is choose a place, weigh a promise made years ago against a fall last week, or divide the work among siblings. Those belong to the family and the doctors, and the guilt that comes with them is worth separating from the decision itself.

What the suttas say

Mendicants, a family where the children honor their parents in their home is said to live with divinity. A family where the children honor their parents in their home is said to live with the first tutors. A family where the children honor their parents in their home is said to live with those worthy of offerings dedicated to the gods. ‘Divinity’ is a term for your parents. ‘First tutors’ is a term for your parents.
On caring for parents.
Where this stops: It assumes parents who raised and cared for their children; never use it to press anyone back into contact, or into care they cannot give.
AN 3.31:1.1–1.5 · With Divinity
And how do you look after others by looking after yourself? By development, cultivation, and practice of meditation. And how do you look after yourself by looking after others? By acceptance, harmlessness, love, and sympathy.
The acrobats — the case that solitary practice is not selfish, and that care for others is itself practice.
Where this stops: For the worry that time given to one's own practice is taken from the people one cares for; not for a decision about having a child, and not a ruling on how to care for someone who is ill.
SN 47.19:3.1–3.5 · At Sedaka
Mendicants, a woman or a man, a layperson or a renunciate should often review these five subjects. What five? ‘I am liable to grow old, I am not exempt from old age.’ A woman or a man, a layperson or a renunciate should often review this. ‘I am liable to get sick, I am not exempt from sickness.’ … ‘I am liable to die, I am not exempt from death.’ … ‘I must be parted and separated from all I hold dear and beloved.’ … ‘I am the owner of my deeds and heir to my deeds. Deeds are my womb, my relative, and my refuge. I shall be the heir of whatever deeds I do, whether good or bad.’ A woman or a man, a layperson or a renunciate should often review this.
The reflection the Buddha asked everyone, monastic or lay, to make often.
Where this stops: Never preached at someone frightened or grieving; owning one's deeds is never a reason to call an illness or a loss someone's kamma.
AN 5.57:1.1–1.9 · Subjects for Regular Reviewing
“Mendicants, I say that these two individuals cannot easily be repaid. What two? Mother and father. You would not have done enough to repay your mother and father even if you were to carry your mother around on one shoulder and your father on the other, and if you lived like this for a hundred years, and if you were to anoint, massage, bathe, and rub them; and even if they were to defecate and urinate right there. Even if you were to establish your mother and father as supreme monarchs of this great earth, abounding in the seven treasures, you would still not have done enough to repay them. Why is that? Parents are very helpful to their children: they raise them, nurture them, and show them the world. But you have done enough, more than enough, to repay them if you encourage, settle, and ground unfaithful parents in faith, unethical parents in ethical conduct, stingy parents in generosity, or ignorant parents in wisdom.”
The canon's strongest statement of what is owed to parents, with an unexpected answer about how it is repaid — not by service alone, but by helping them toward faith, ethics, generosity, and wisdom.
Where this stops: It assumes parents who raised and nurtured the child; it says nothing about a parent who did harm and must never be used to press an adult child back into contact.
AN 2.33:1.1–1.9 · The Chapter on the Peaceful Mind
A carer with five qualities is competent to care for a patient. What five? They’re able to prepare medicine. They know what is suitable and unsuitable, so they remove what is unsuitable and supply what is suitable. They care for the sick out of love, not for the sake of material benefits. They’re not disgusted to remove feces, urine, vomit, or spit. They’re able to educate, encourage, fire up, and inspire the patient with a Dhamma talk from time to time. A carer with these five qualities is competent to care for a patient.
The canon's picture of a good carer — practical, motivated by love rather than gain, not disgusted by the body's needs, and able to encourage.
Where this stops: A description of a monastic carer's competence; it is not medical guidance, and it is not a standard for measuring an exhausted family carer who is doing their best.
AN 5.124:2.1–2.8 · A Carer (2nd)

Bring your own situation.