When you can't get along with a sibling
The canon names siblings among the people who fight — siblings, parents and children — and puts the wanting of things at the root of it, which is rarely flattering and usually accurate. Its teaching on resentment is practical: five ways to put it down, and the choice not to take hold of what is handed to you in anger, so that it stays with the one who offered it. What the suttas do not do is settle who was the favorite or who owes whom an apology. They can make you less of a party to the old fight; whether the relationship changes depends on two people.
What the suttas say
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
“Mendicants, a mendicant should use these five ways to completely get rid of resentment when it has arisen toward anyone. What five? You should develop love for an individual you resent. That’s how to get rid of resentment for that individual. You should develop compassion for an individual you resent. … You should develop equanimity for an individual you resent. … You should disregard an individual you resent, paying no attention to them. … You should focus on the ownership of deeds regarding that individual: ‘This venerable is the owner of their deeds and heir to their deeds. Deeds are their womb, their relative, and their refuge. They shall be the heir of whatever deeds they do, whether good or bad.’ That’s how to get rid of resentment for that individual. A mendicant should use these five ways to completely get rid of resentment when it has arisen toward anyone.”
A practical list — love, compassion, equanimity, not attending, reflecting on kamma.
Where this stops: Reflecting that people own their deeds is never a way to call someone's misfortune their kamma, and putting down resentment is never a reason to stay near someone who keeps doing harm.
AN 5.161:1.1–1.15 · Getting Rid of Resentment (1st)
“Pañcime, bhikkhave, āghātapaṭivinayā yattha bhikkhuno uppanno āghāto sabbaso paṭivinetabbo. Katame pañca? Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, mettā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, karuṇā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, upekkhā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, asatiamanasikāro tasmiṁ puggale āpajjitabbo; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, kammassakatā tasmiṁ puggale adhiṭṭhātabbā: ‘kammassako ayamāyasmā kammadāyādo kammayoni kammabandhu kammapaṭisaraṇo, yaṁ kammaṁ karissati kalyāṇaṁ vā pāpakaṁ vā tassa dāyādo bhavissatī’ti; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Ime kho, bhikkhave, pañca āghātapaṭivinayā, yattha bhikkhuno uppanno āghāto sabbaso paṭivinetabbo”ti.
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.
“Do you then serve them with fresh and cooked foods and savories?” “Sometimes I do.” “But if they don’t accept it, brahmin, who does it belong to?” “In that case it still belongs to me.” In the same way, brahmin, when you abuse, harass, and attack us who do not abuse, harass, and attack, we don’t accept it. It still belongs to you, brahmin, it still belongs to you! Someone who, when abused, harassed, and attacked, abuses, harasses, and attacks in return is said to eat the food and have a reaction to it. But we neither eat your food nor do we have a reaction to it.
Declining to take in what someone hurls at you in anger, the way a guest can leave a dish untouched.
Where this stops: Concerns how abuse is received inwardly; it is no reason to stay where someone keeps abusing you.
SN 7.2:2.5–3.2 · With Bhāradvāja the Rude
“Taṁ kiṁ maññasi, brāhmaṇa, api nu tesaṁ anuppadesi khādanīyaṁ vā bhojanīyaṁ vā sāyanīyaṁ vā”ti? “Appekadā nesāhaṁ, bho gotama, anuppademi khādanīyaṁ vā bhojanīyaṁ vā sāyanīyaṁ vā”ti. “Sace kho pana te, brāhmaṇa, nappaṭiggaṇhanti, kassa taṁ hotī”ti? “Sace te, bho gotama, nappaṭiggaṇhanti, amhākameva taṁ hotī”ti. Evameva kho, brāhmaṇa, yaṁ tvaṁ amhe anakkosante akkosasi, arosente rosesi, abhaṇḍante bhaṇḍasi, taṁ te mayaṁ nappaṭiggaṇhāma. Tavevetaṁ, brāhmaṇa, hoti; tavevetaṁ, brāhmaṇa, hoti. Yo kho, brāhmaṇa, akkosantaṁ paccakkosati, rosentaṁ paṭiroseti, bhaṇḍantaṁ paṭibhaṇḍati, ayaṁ vuccati, brāhmaṇa, sambhuñjati vītiharatīti. Te mayaṁ tayā neva sambhuñjāma na vītiharāma.
Furthermore, for the sake of sensual pleasures kings fight with kings, aristocrats fight with aristocrats, brahmins fight with brahmins, and householders fight with householders. A mother fights with her child, child with mother, father with child, and child with father. Brother fights with brother, brother with sister, sister with brother, and friend fights with friend. Once they’ve started quarreling, arguing, and disputing, they attack each other with fists, stones, rods, and swords,
What people actually fight over, listed without euphemism — family included.
Where this stops: A drawback laid out for reflection, not an accusation to make in the middle of a family dispute.
MN 13:11.1–11.2 · The Longer Discourse on the Mass of Suffering
Puna caparaṁ, bhikkhave, kāmahetu kāmanidānaṁ kāmādhikaraṇaṁ kāmānameva hetu rājānopi rājūhi vivadanti, khattiyāpi khattiyehi vivadanti, brāhmaṇāpi brāhmaṇehi vivadanti, gahapatīpi gahapatīhi vivadanti, mātāpi puttena vivadati, puttopi mātarā vivadati, pitāpi puttena vivadati, puttopi pitarā vivadati, bhātāpi bhātarā vivadati, bhātāpi bhaginiyā vivadati, bhaginīpi bhātarā vivadati, sahāyopi sahāyena vivadati. Te tattha kalahaviggahavivādāpannā aññamaññaṁ pāṇīhipi upakkamanti, leḍḍūhipi upakkamanti, daṇḍehipi upakkamanti, satthehipi upakkamanti.