Conflict inside your sangha
When the monks of Kosambī were wounding each other with sharp words, the Buddha did not ask who was right. He asked whether they were treating each other with kindness in body, speech, and mind, and then named six qualities that hold a community together: three kinds of kindness, sharing what one has, and common ethics and view. Elsewhere Anuruddha describes three monks living in harmony, glad of each other's company, each putting his own wishes aside to follow the others. None of this asks you to drop a real concern for the sake of peace. If the conflict is about harm to someone, harmony is not the first goal.
What the suttas say
“In this case, sir, I think: ‘I’m fortunate, so very fortunate, to live together with spiritual companions such as these.’ I consistently treat these venerables with kindness by way of body, speech, and mind, both in public and in private. I think, ‘Why don’t I set aside my own ideas and just go along with these venerables’ ideas?’ And that’s what I do. Though we’re different in body, sir, we’re one in mind, it seems to me.”
Anuruddha tells the Buddha how three monks live without quarrelling — gladness at the company, kindness in public and private, and putting his own wishes aside to follow theirs.
Where this stops: Three practitioners who already trusted each other; it is not a rule to defer to a group on questions of ethics or harm.
MN 31:7.1–7.10 · The Shorter Discourse at Gosiṅga
“Idha mayhaṁ, bhante, evaṁ hoti: ‘lābhā vata me, suladdhaṁ vata me, yohaṁ evarūpehi sabrahmacārīhi saddhiṁ viharāmī’ti. Tassa mayhaṁ, bhante, imesu āyasmantesu mettaṁ kāyakammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ āvi ceva raho ca; mettaṁ vacīkammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ āvi ceva raho ca; mettaṁ manokammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ āvi ceva raho ca. Tassa mayhaṁ, bhante, evaṁ hoti: ‘yannūnāhaṁ sakaṁ cittaṁ nikkhipitvā imesaṁyeva āyasmantānaṁ cittassa vasena vatteyyan’ti. So kho ahaṁ, bhante, sakaṁ cittaṁ nikkhipitvā imesaṁyeva āyasmantānaṁ cittassa vasena vattāmi. Nānā hi kho no, bhante, kāyā ekañca pana maññe cittan”ti.
“What do you think, mendicants? When you’re fighting, quarreling, and disputing, continually wounding each other with barbed words, are you treating your spiritual companions with kindness by way of body, speech, and mind, both in public and in private?” “No, sir.” So it seems that when you’re arguing you are not treating each other with kindness.
The question the Buddha put to the quarrelling monks of Kosambī — not who was right, but whether they were treating each other with kindness.
Where this stops: The Buddha asks this of people who were all in the fight; it is not a way to silence someone raising a real grievance.
MN 48:5.1–5.4 · The Mendicants of Kosambī
“Taṁ kiṁ maññatha, bhikkhave, yasmiṁ tumhe samaye bhaṇḍanajātā kalahajātā vivādāpannā aññamaññaṁ mukhasattīhi vitudantā viharatha, api nu tumhākaṁ tasmiṁ samaye mettaṁ kāyakammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ hoti sabrahmacārīsu āvi ceva raho ca, mettaṁ vacīkammaṁ …pe… mettaṁ manokammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ hoti sabrahmacārīsu āvi ceva raho cā”ti? “No hetaṁ, bhante”. Iti kira, bhikkhave, yasmiṁ tumhe samaye bhaṇḍanajātā kalahajātā vivādāpannā aññamaññaṁ mukhasattīhi vitudantā viharatha, neva tumhākaṁ tasmiṁ samaye mettaṁ kāyakammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ hoti sabrahmacārīsu āvi ceva raho ca, na mettaṁ vacīkammaṁ …pe… na mettaṁ manokammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ hoti sabrahmacārīsu āvi ceva raho ca.
Mendicants, there are these five ways in which others might criticize you. Their speech may be timely or untimely, true or false, gentle or harsh, beneficial or harmful, from a heart of love or from secret hate.
How to receive speech, including unfair speech.
MN 21:11.1–11.6 · The Simile of the Saw
Pañcime, bhikkhave, vacanapathā yehi vo pare vadamānā vadeyyuṁ— kālena vā akālena vā; bhūtena vā abhūtena vā; saṇhena vā pharusena vā; atthasaṁhitena vā anatthasaṁhitena vā; mettacittā vā dosantarā vā.
Mendicants, these six warm-hearted qualities make for fondness and respect, conducing to inclusion, harmony, and unity, without quarreling. What six? Firstly, a mendicant consistently treats their spiritual companions with bodily kindness, both in public and in private. This warm-hearted quality makes for fondness and respect, conducing to inclusion, harmony, and unity, without quarreling. Furthermore, a mendicant consistently treats their spiritual companions with verbal kindness … Furthermore, a mendicant consistently treats their spiritual companions with mental kindness … Furthermore, a mendicant shares without reservation any material things they have gained by legitimate means, even the food placed in the alms-bowl, using them in common with their ethical spiritual companions … Furthermore, a mendicant lives according to the precepts shared with their spiritual companions, both in public and in private. Those precepts are intact, impeccable, spotless, and unmarred, liberating, praised by sensible people, not mistaken, and leading to immersion. … Furthermore, a mendicant lives according to the view shared with their spiritual companions, both in public and in private. That view is noble and emancipating, and delivers one who applies it to the complete ending of suffering. This warm-hearted quality makes for fondness and respect, conducing to inclusion, harmony, and unity, without quarreling. These six warm-hearted qualities make for fondness and respect, conducing to inclusion, harmony, and unity, without quarreling.
What holds a community together, in six items — three kinds of kindness, sharing what one has, and common ethics and view.
Where this stops: The view held in common is the one that leads to the end of suffering, not agreement on a community's policies, and what is shared is what was gained legitimately. Never a reason to go along with a group when someone objects to harm.
MN 48:6.2–6.16 · The Mendicants of Kosambī
chayime, bhikkhave, dhammā sāraṇīyā piyakaraṇā garukaraṇā saṅgahāya avivādāya sāmaggiyā ekībhāvāya saṁvattanti. Katame cha? Idha, bhikkhave, bhikkhuno mettaṁ kāyakammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ hoti sabrahmacārīsu āvi ceva raho ca. Ayampi dhammo sāraṇīyo piyakaraṇo garukaraṇo saṅgahāya avivādāya sāmaggiyā ekībhāvāya saṁvattati. Puna caparaṁ, bhikkhave, bhikkhuno mettaṁ vacīkammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ hoti sabrahmacārīsu āvi ceva raho ca. Ayampi dhammo sāraṇīyo piyakaraṇo garukaraṇo saṅgahāya avivādāya sāmaggiyā ekībhāvāya saṁvattati. Puna caparaṁ, bhikkhave, bhikkhuno mettaṁ manokammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ hoti sabrahmacārīsu āvi ceva raho ca. Ayampi dhammo sāraṇīyo piyakaraṇo garukaraṇo saṅgahāya avivādāya sāmaggiyā ekībhāvāya saṁvattati. Puna caparaṁ, bhikkhave, bhikkhu ye te lābhā dhammikā dhammaladdhā antamaso pattapariyāpannamattampi, tathārūpehi lābhehi appaṭivibhattabhogī hoti sīlavantehi sabrahmacārīhi sādhāraṇabhogī. Ayampi dhammo sāraṇīyo piyakaraṇo garukaraṇo saṅgahāya avivādāya sāmaggiyā ekībhāvāya saṁvattati. Puna caparaṁ, bhikkhave, bhikkhu yāni tāni sīlāni akhaṇḍāni acchiddāni asabalāni akammāsāni bhujissāni viññuppasatthāni aparāmaṭṭhāni samādhisaṁvattanikāni tathārūpesu sīlesu sīlasāmaññagato viharati sabrahmacārīhi āvi ceva raho ca. Ayampi dhammo sāraṇīyo piyakaraṇo garukaraṇo saṅgahāya avivādāya sāmaggiyā ekībhāvāya saṁvattati. Puna caparaṁ, bhikkhave, bhikkhu yāyaṁ diṭṭhi ariyā niyyānikā niyyāti takkarassa sammā dukkhakkhayāya tathārūpāya diṭṭhiyā diṭṭhisāmaññagato viharati sabrahmacārīhi āvi ceva raho ca. Ayampi dhammo sāraṇīyo piyakaraṇo garukaraṇo saṅgahāya avivādāya sāmaggiyā ekībhāvāya saṁvattati. Ime kho, bhikkhave, cha sāraṇīyā dhammā piyakaraṇā garukaraṇā saṅgahāya avivādāya sāmaggiyā ekībhāvāya saṁvattanti.
“Mendicants, a mendicant should use these five ways to completely get rid of resentment when it has arisen toward anyone. What five? You should develop love for an individual you resent. That’s how to get rid of resentment for that individual. You should develop compassion for an individual you resent. … You should develop equanimity for an individual you resent. … You should disregard an individual you resent, paying no attention to them. … You should focus on the ownership of deeds regarding that individual: ‘This venerable is the owner of their deeds and heir to their deeds. Deeds are their womb, their relative, and their refuge. They shall be the heir of whatever deeds they do, whether good or bad.’ That’s how to get rid of resentment for that individual. A mendicant should use these five ways to completely get rid of resentment when it has arisen toward anyone.”
A practical list — love, compassion, equanimity, not attending, reflecting on kamma.
Where this stops: Reflecting that people own their deeds is never a way to call someone's misfortune their kamma, and putting down resentment is never a reason to stay near someone who keeps doing harm.
AN 5.161:1.1–1.15 · Getting Rid of Resentment (1st)
“Pañcime, bhikkhave, āghātapaṭivinayā yattha bhikkhuno uppanno āghāto sabbaso paṭivinetabbo. Katame pañca? Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, mettā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, karuṇā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, upekkhā tasmiṁ puggale bhāvetabbā; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, asatiamanasikāro tasmiṁ puggale āpajjitabbo; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Yasmiṁ, bhikkhave, puggale āghāto jāyetha, kammassakatā tasmiṁ puggale adhiṭṭhātabbā: ‘kammassako ayamāyasmā kammadāyādo kammayoni kammabandhu kammapaṭisaraṇo, yaṁ kammaṁ karissati kalyāṇaṁ vā pāpakaṁ vā tassa dāyādo bhavissatī’ti; evaṁ tasmiṁ puggale āghāto paṭivinetabbo. Ime kho, bhikkhave, pañca āghātapaṭivinayā, yattha bhikkhuno uppanno āghāto sabbaso paṭivinetabbo”ti.