Caught up in gossip
The canon's description of divisive speech could hardly be more precise: carrying what was heard from one group to another in order to set people against each other. Its opposite is speech that brings the divided back together and strengthens those already at peace. The Simile of the Saw adds the five ways anyone may speak — true or false, kind or harsh, loving or hostile at heart — which applies to what you have heard about yourself as well. None of this forbids telling someone who can act that a person is being harmed; that is not what divisive speech means. The passages do not tell you how to leave a group that runs on gossip, only what the talk is doing while you are in it.
What the suttas say
Mendicants, there are these five ways in which others might criticize you. Their speech may be timely or untimely, true or false, gentle or harsh, beneficial or harmful, from a heart of love or from secret hate.
How to receive speech, including unfair speech.
MN 21:11.1–11.6 · The Simile of the Saw
Pañcime, bhikkhave, vacanapathā yehi vo pare vadamānā vadeyyuṁ— kālena vā akālena vā; bhūtena vā abhūtena vā; saṇhena vā pharusena vā; atthasaṁhitena vā anatthasaṁhitena vā; mettacittā vā dosantarā vā.
Regard one who sees your faults as a guide to a hidden treasure. Stay close to one so intelligent and astute who curbs you when you need it. Sticking close to such an impartial person, things get better, not worse.
Accurate criticism as something worth seeking out — the critic as a guide to treasure.
Where this stops: The verse is about an intelligent and impartial critic; it does not ask anyone to treat contempt or cruelty as treasure.
Dhp 76:1–6 · 6. The Astute
Nidhīnaṁva pavattāraṁ, yaṁ passe vajjadassinaṁ; Niggayhavādiṁ medhāviṁ, tādisaṁ paṇḍitaṁ bhaje; Tādisaṁ bhajamānassa, seyyo hoti na pāpiyo.
They give up backbiting. They don’t repeat in one place what they heard in another so as to divide people against each other. Instead, they reconcile those who are divided and support those who are united, delighting in harmony, loving harmony, speaking words that promote harmony.
Divisive speech named precisely, alongside its opposite — speech that reconciles — in a teaching given to lay householders.
Where this stops: About repeating things in order to divide people; it does not forbid telling someone who can act that harm is being done.
MN 41:13.3 · The People of Sālā
Pisuṇaṁ vācaṁ pahāya pisuṇāya vācāya paṭivirato hoti, ito sutvā na amutra akkhātā imesaṁ bhedāya, amutra vā sutvā na imesaṁ akkhātā amūsaṁ bhedāya. Iti bhinnānaṁ vā sandhātā, sahitānaṁ vā anuppadātā, samaggārāmo samaggarato samagganandī samaggakaraṇiṁ vācaṁ bhāsitā hoti.
“In this case, sir, I think: ‘I’m fortunate, so very fortunate, to live together with spiritual companions such as these.’ I consistently treat these venerables with kindness by way of body, speech, and mind, both in public and in private. I think, ‘Why don’t I set aside my own ideas and just go along with these venerables’ ideas?’ And that’s what I do. Though we’re different in body, sir, we’re one in mind, it seems to me.”
Anuruddha tells the Buddha how three monks live without quarrelling — gladness at the company, kindness in public and private, and putting his own wishes aside to follow theirs.
Where this stops: Three practitioners who already trusted each other; it is not a rule to defer to a group on questions of ethics or harm.
MN 31:7.1–7.10 · The Shorter Discourse at Gosiṅga
“Idha mayhaṁ, bhante, evaṁ hoti: ‘lābhā vata me, suladdhaṁ vata me, yohaṁ evarūpehi sabrahmacārīhi saddhiṁ viharāmī’ti. Tassa mayhaṁ, bhante, imesu āyasmantesu mettaṁ kāyakammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ āvi ceva raho ca; mettaṁ vacīkammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ āvi ceva raho ca; mettaṁ manokammaṁ paccupaṭṭhitaṁ āvi ceva raho ca. Tassa mayhaṁ, bhante, evaṁ hoti: ‘yannūnāhaṁ sakaṁ cittaṁ nikkhipitvā imesaṁyeva āyasmantānaṁ cittassa vasena vatteyyan’ti. So kho ahaṁ, bhante, sakaṁ cittaṁ nikkhipitvā imesaṁyeva āyasmantānaṁ cittassa vasena vattāmi. Nānā hi kho no, bhante, kāyā ekañca pana maññe cittan”ti.
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.