When an adult child won't speak to you
The canon has a teaching for this that is harder than comfort and more useful: when you have done wrong, see it plainly as wrong, admit it to someone, and hold back from it afterward. It may apply, and it may not. It is also honest that love and sorrow come together — a hundred loved ones mean a hundred griefs — and grief for someone living is still grief. Love in the suttas can be directed at a particular person without their answering it. What they cannot do is tell you what happened, or whether it was as your child remembers. If your child has asked for no contact, nothing here asks you to override that.
What the suttas say
If, while checking in this way, you know: ‘This act with the body that I have done leads to hurting myself, hurting others, or hurting both. It’s unskillful, with suffering as its outcome and result.’ Then, Rāhula, you should confess, reveal, and clarify such a deed to the Teacher or a sensible spiritual companion. And having revealed it you should restrain yourself in future.
The Buddha's instruction to his own son — the full arc — check, confess, restrain.
Where this stops: For an act that did harm. It is not for guilt where nothing wrong was done, such as a carer who cannot do everything or someone afraid that wanting a child is selfish.
MN 61:11.4–11.7 · Advice to Rāhula at Ambalaṭṭhika
Sace kho tvaṁ, rāhula, paccavekkhamāno evaṁ jāneyyāsi: ‘yaṁ kho ahaṁ idaṁ kāyena kammaṁ akāsiṁ, idaṁ me kāyakammaṁ attabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati, parabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati, ubhayabyābādhāyapi saṁvattati— akusalaṁ idaṁ kāyakammaṁ dukkhudrayaṁ dukkhavipākan’ti, evarūpaṁ te, rāhula, kāyakammaṁ satthari vā viññūsu vā sabrahmacārīsu desetabbaṁ, vivaritabbaṁ, uttānīkātabbaṁ; desetvā vivaritvā uttānīkatvā āyatiṁ saṁvaraṁ āpajjitabbaṁ.
“Those who have a hundred loved ones, Visākhā, have a hundred sufferings. Those who have ninety loved ones, or eighty, seventy, sixty, fifty, forty, thirty, twenty, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, or one loved one have one suffering. Those who have no loved ones have no suffering. They are free of sorrow, stains, and anguish I say.”
Visākhā's grandchild — the Buddha's plain acknowledgement that love and grief come together.
Where this stops: Not a counsel to love less; a description of the terms on which we love.
Ud 8.8:5.1–5.20 · With Visākhā
“Yesaṁ kho, visākhe, sataṁ piyāni, sataṁ tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ navuti piyāni, navuti tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ asīti piyāni, asīti tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ sattati piyāni, sattati tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ saṭṭhi piyāni, saṭṭhi tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ paññāsaṁ piyāni, paññāsaṁ tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ cattārīsaṁ piyāni, cattārīsaṁ tesaṁ dukkhāni, yesaṁ tiṁsaṁ piyāni, tiṁsaṁ tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ vīsati piyāni, vīsati tesaṁ dukkhāni, yesaṁ dasa piyāni, dasa tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ nava piyāni, nava tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ aṭṭha piyāni, aṭṭha tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ satta piyāni, satta tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ cha piyāni, cha tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ pañca piyāni, pañca tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ cattāri piyāni, cattāri tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ tīṇi piyāni, tīṇi tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ dve piyāni, dve tesaṁ dukkhāni; yesaṁ ekaṁ piyaṁ, ekaṁ tesaṁ dukkhaṁ; yesaṁ natthi piyaṁ, natthi tesaṁ dukkhaṁ, asokā te virajā anupāyāsāti vadāmī”ti.
Even as a mother would protect with her life her child, her only child, so too for all creatures unfold a boundless heart. With love for the whole world, unfold a boundless heart: above, below, all round, unconstricted, without enmity or foe. When standing, walking, sitting, or lying down while yet unweary, keep this ever in mind; for this, they say, is a divine meditation in this life.
The Metta Sutta's central image, in the canon's own words.
Where this stops: The verses are an ideal of the practitioner; the opening lines describing a skilled and honest person are a description, not a prerequisite for beginning. Never use it to quiet anger that has something to say, and never present it as a recitation that protects anyone. The mother guarding her only child is not for someone after a pregnancy loss.
Kp 9:7.1–9.4 · The Discourse on Love
Mātā yathā niyaṁ puttam Āyusā ekaputtamanurakkhe; Evampi sabbabhūtesu, Mānasaṁ bhāvaye aparimāṇaṁ. Mettañca sabbalokasmi, Mānasaṁ bhāvaye aparimāṇaṁ; Uddhaṁ adho ca tiriyañca, Asambādhaṁ averamasapattaṁ. Tiṭṭhaṁ caraṁ nisinno va, Sayāno yāvatāssa vitamiddho; Etaṁ satiṁ adhiṭṭheyya, Brahmametaṁ vihāramidhamāhu.
Parents served by the children in these five ways show sympathy to them in five ways. They keep them from doing bad. They support them in doing good. They train them in a profession. They connect them with a suitable partner. They transfer the inheritance in due time.
The parent's side of the eastern quarter — the canon's short job description for raising a child.
Where this stops: Arranging a marriage and handing over the inheritance belong to the ancient household; the first two duties are the portable ones. Never guidance on a child's safety, medical care or custody.
DN 31:28.3–28.4 · Advice to Sigālaka
Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, pañcahi ṭhānehi puttena puratthimā disā mātāpitaro paccupaṭṭhitā pañcahi ṭhānehi puttaṁ anukampanti. Pāpā nivārenti, kalyāṇe nivesenti, sippaṁ sikkhāpenti, patirūpena dārena saṁyojenti, samaye dāyajjaṁ niyyādenti.
That’s not right, it’s not good, and I feel remorseful because of it. But I can’t undo what I have done.’ Reflecting like this, they give up lying, and in future they refrain from lying.
Remorse with its proper size — felt, named, and then turned into giving up the deed.
Where this stops: The sutta goes on to say that with a heart of boundless love no limited deed remains in force; that is about the mind's release, not about consequences to others disappearing.
SN 42.8:10.3–10.4 · A Horn Blower
Yaṁ kho pana mayā musā bhaṇitaṁ yāvatakaṁ vā tāvatakaṁ vā taṁ na suṭṭhu, taṁ na sādhu. Ahañceva kho pana tappaccayā vippaṭisārī assaṁ, na metaṁ pāpaṁ kammaṁ akataṁ bhavissatī’ti. So iti paṭisaṅkhāya tañceva musāvādaṁ pajahati, āyatiñca musāvādā paṭivirato hoti.