A teenager pulling away
The canon's short list of what parents owe children begins with steering them away from wrong and encouraging them in good, and it says elsewhere that parents bring up their children and open the world to them. It has nothing to say about adolescence as such, but a great deal about speech: whether a thing is true, beneficial, and the right time, and whether it is said with love. None of this settles a question of safety. If you are worried about drugs, harm, or who your child is with, that is for school, doctors, or other parents who know the situation, and a passage comes after.
What the suttas say
Parents served by the children in these five ways show sympathy to them in five ways. They keep them from doing bad. They support them in doing good. They train them in a profession. They connect them with a suitable partner. They transfer the inheritance in due time.
The parent's side of the eastern quarter — the canon's short job description for raising a child.
Where this stops: Arranging a marriage and handing over the inheritance belong to the ancient household; the first two duties are the portable ones. Never guidance on a child's safety, medical care or custody.
DN 31:28.3–28.4 · Advice to Sigālaka
Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, pañcahi ṭhānehi puttena puratthimā disā mātāpitaro paccupaṭṭhitā pañcahi ṭhānehi puttaṁ anukampanti. Pāpā nivārenti, kalyāṇe nivesenti, sippaṁ sikkhāpenti, patirūpena dārena saṁyojenti, samaye dāyajjaṁ niyyādenti.
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
In the same way, when someone is not ashamed to tell a deliberate lie, there is no bad deed they would not do, I say. So you should train like this: ‘I will not tell a lie, even for a joke.’
The Buddha teaching his seven-year-old with a water dipper and an elephant — the one thing he chose to teach first.
Where this stops: Rāhula was a novice monk; the setting is monastic even though the lesson is a parent's. Never guidance on a child's safety, medical care or custody.
MN 61:7.9–7.10 · Advice to Rāhula at Ambalaṭṭhika
Evameva kho, rāhula, yassa kassaci sampajānamusāvāde natthi lajjā, nāhaṁ tassa kiñci pāpaṁ akaraṇīyanti vadāmi. Tasmātiha te, rāhula, ‘hassāpi na musā bhaṇissāmī’ti—
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.
‘Divinity’ is a term for your parents. ‘Elder gods’ is a term for your parents. ‘First tutors’ is a term for your parents. ‘Worthy of offerings dedicated to the gods’ is a term for your parents. Why is that? Parents are very helpful to their children, they raise them, nurture them, and show them the world.
What parents do, in the canon's words — useful for a parent who feels unseen, and for an adult child.
Where this stops: Never guidance on a child's safety, medical care or custody. Never use it to press an adult child back into contact with a parent who did harm.
Iti 106:3.1–3.6 · With Divinity
‘Brahmā’ti, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ etaṁ adhivacanaṁ. ‘Pubbadevatā’ti, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ etaṁ adhivacanaṁ. ‘Pubbācariyā’ti, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ etaṁ adhivacanaṁ. ‘Āhuneyyā’ti, bhikkhave, mātāpitūnaṁ etaṁ adhivacanaṁ. Taṁ kissa hetu? Bahukārā, bhikkhave, mātāpitaro puttānaṁ āpādakā posakā imassa lokassa dassetāroti.