When a teacher's feedback stings
The Dhammapada likens someone who shows you your faults to a person pointing the way to buried treasure, and says to keep such a wise person close. That is a hard verse to feel grateful for the day after. The suttas also list the ways anyone may speak to you — true or false, gentle or harsh, timely or not — so the sting on its own does not settle whether the feedback was right. Both can be looked at: what was said, and what the hurt is protecting. What the passages cannot do is judge whether this teacher saw you clearly. If you think they did not, the speech teachings say to tell them, at the right time, in words that are true and useful.
What the suttas say
Mendicants, there are these five ways in which others might criticize you. Their speech may be timely or untimely, true or false, gentle or harsh, beneficial or harmful, from a heart of love or from secret hate.
How to receive speech, including unfair speech.
MN 21:11.1–11.6 · The Simile of the Saw
Pañcime, bhikkhave, vacanapathā yehi vo pare vadamānā vadeyyuṁ— kālena vā akālena vā; bhūtena vā abhūtena vā; saṇhena vā pharusena vā; atthasaṁhitena vā anatthasaṁhitena vā; mettacittā vā dosantarā vā.
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
Regard one who sees your faults as a guide to a hidden treasure. Stay close to one so intelligent and astute who curbs you when you need it. Sticking close to such an impartial person, things get better, not worse.
Accurate criticism as something worth seeking out — the critic as a guide to treasure.
Where this stops: The verse is about an intelligent and impartial critic; it does not ask anyone to treat contempt or cruelty as treasure.
Dhp 76:1–6 · 6. The Astute
Nidhīnaṁva pavattāraṁ, yaṁ passe vajjadassinaṁ; Niggayhavādiṁ medhāviṁ, tādisaṁ paṇḍitaṁ bhaje; Tādisaṁ bhajamānassa, seyyo hoti na pāpiyo.
They give up backbiting. They don’t repeat in one place what they heard in another so as to divide people against each other. Instead, they reconcile those who are divided and support those who are united, delighting in harmony, loving harmony, speaking words that promote harmony.
Divisive speech named precisely, alongside its opposite — speech that reconciles — in a teaching given to lay householders.
Where this stops: About repeating things in order to divide people; it does not forbid telling someone who can act that harm is being done.
MN 41:13.3 · The People of Sālā
Pisuṇaṁ vācaṁ pahāya pisuṇāya vācāya paṭivirato hoti, ito sutvā na amutra akkhātā imesaṁ bhedāya, amutra vā sutvā na imesaṁ akkhātā amūsaṁ bhedāya. Iti bhinnānaṁ vā sandhātā, sahitānaṁ vā anuppadātā, samaggārāmo samaggarato samagganandī samaggakaraṇiṁ vācaṁ bhāsitā hoti.
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.