A student has a crush on me
In the Sigālaka Sutta the Buddha gives teachers five duties toward their students, from training them well to protecting them wherever they go. A student's feelings for you do not change those duties, and they are the frame to hold this in. In another sutta the Buddha asks anyone who teaches to speak from kindness, not seek gain, and harm neither themselves nor others. In the gradual training he describes, guarding the senses means not fastening on the look and particulars of what is seen. Noticing is not the failure; dwelling on it is. Being admired has its own pull, and that is worth noticing too. If something needs to be said, the canon's test for speech applies, true, beneficial and well timed, and so does speaking gently and from goodwill. Whatever you feel in return, keeping the boundary is your responsibility, not the student's, because of the trust your role carries; a romance with someone you are teaching is not yours to pursue. Often what helps most is steady, ordinary warmth and clear boundaries, such as not staying on alone with them after the sit, rather than a conversation about feelings. What the suttas cannot give you is your centre's ethics guidance. Talk this through early with your own teacher or a senior colleague, before anything is said to the student; that protects the student and you.
What the suttas say
Tutors served by their pupils in these five ways show sympathy to them in five ways. They make sure they’re well educated and well drilled in memorization. They clearly explain all the knowledge of the profession. They introduce them to their friends and colleagues. They provide protection in every region.
The canon's job description for a teacher, given to a layman, in which the teacher's duties answer the student's, the last of them protecting the student wherever they go.
Where this stops: An ancient frame of craft teachers and their pupils; it does not describe a dharma teacher's role in full, and it is never a reason for a student to defer to a teacher who is doing harm. Only the teacher's side is in this range; the student's side comes just before it.
DN 31:29.3–29.4 · Advice to Sigālaka
Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, pañcahi ṭhānehi antevāsinā dakkhiṇā disā ācariyā paccupaṭṭhitā pañcahi ṭhānehi antevāsiṁ anukampanti— suvinītaṁ vinenti, suggahitaṁ gāhāpenti, sabbasippassutaṁ samakkhāyino bhavanti, mittāmaccesu paṭiyādenti, disāsu parittāṇaṁ karonti.
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
When they have ethical conduct, the Realized One guides them further: ‘Come, mendicant, guard your sense doors. When you see a sight with your eyes, don’t get caught up in the features and details. If the faculty of sight were left unrestrained, bad unskillful qualities of covetousness and displeasure would become overwhelming. For this reason, practice restraint, protect the faculty of sight, and achieve its restraint. When you hear a sound with your ears … When you smell an odor with your nose … When you taste a flavor with your tongue … When you feel a touch with your body … When you know an idea with your mind, don’t get caught up in the features and details. If the faculty of mind were left unrestrained, bad unskillful qualities of covetousness and displeasure would become overwhelming. For this reason, practice restraint, protect the faculty of mind, and achieve its restraint.’
Sense restraint as the canon teaches it, a matter of not feeding the details of what draws or repels, taught by a teacher to a student as one step in a training.
Where this stops: Taught to monks in a graded training. Restraint here is not refusing to notice, and not shame about noticing; it is not dwelling on and building on what catches the eye. It does not prescribe giving up screens or pleasures.
MN 107:4.1–4.9 · With Moggallāna the Accountant
Yato kho, brāhmaṇa, bhikkhu sīlavā hoti, pātimokkhasaṁvarasaṁvuto viharati ācāragocarasampanno aṇumattesu vajjesu bhayadassāvī, samādāya sikkhati sikkhāpadesu, tamenaṁ tathāgato uttariṁ vineti: ‘ehi tvaṁ, bhikkhu, indriyesu guttadvāro hohi, cakkhunā rūpaṁ disvā mā nimittaggāhī hohi mānubyañjanaggāhī. Yatvādhikaraṇamenaṁ cakkhundriyaṁ asaṁvutaṁ viharantaṁ abhijjhādomanassā pāpakā akusalā dhammā anvāssaveyyuṁ tassa saṁvarāya paṭipajjāhi; rakkhāhi cakkhundriyaṁ, cakkhundriye saṁvaraṁ āpajjāhi. Sotena saddaṁ sutvā …pe… ghānena gandhaṁ ghāyitvā …pe… jivhāya rasaṁ sāyitvā …pe… kāyena phoṭṭhabbaṁ phusitvā …pe… manasā dhammaṁ viññāya mā nimittaggāhī hohi mānubyañjanaggāhī. Yatvādhikaraṇamenaṁ manindriyaṁ asaṁvutaṁ viharantaṁ abhijjhādomanassā pāpakā akusalā dhammā anvāssaveyyuṁ tassa saṁvarāya paṭipajjāhi; rakkhāhi manindriyaṁ, manindriye saṁvaraṁ āpajjāhī’ti.
“Ānanda, it’s not easy to teach Dhamma to others. You should establish five things in yourself before teaching Dhamma to others. What five? You should teach Dhamma to others thinking: ‘I will teach step by step.’ … ‘I will teach showing my method.’ … ‘I will teach out of kindness.’ … ‘I will not teach while secretly hoping to profit.’ … ‘I will teach without damaging myself or others.’ It’s not easy to teach Dhamma to others. You should establish these five things in yourself before teaching Dhamma to others.”
The standard the Buddha sets for anyone who teaches, including speaking from kindness, not teaching for gain, and harming neither themselves nor others.
Where this stops: A standard for the one who teaches, not a checklist for disqualifying a teacher over a single lapse.
AN 5.159:2.1–2.10 · With Udāyī
“Na kho, ānanda, sukaraṁ paresaṁ dhammaṁ desetuṁ. Paresaṁ, ānanda, dhammaṁ desentena pañca dhamme ajjhattaṁ upaṭṭhāpetvā paresaṁ dhammo desetabbo. Katame pañca? ‘Anupubbiṁ kathaṁ kathessāmī’ti paresaṁ dhammo desetabbo; ‘pariyāyadassāvī kathaṁ kathessāmī’ti paresaṁ dhammo desetabbo; ‘anuddayataṁ paṭicca kathaṁ kathessāmī’ti paresaṁ dhammo desetabbo; ‘na āmisantaro kathaṁ kathessāmī’ti paresaṁ dhammo desetabbo; ‘attānañca parañca anupahacca kathaṁ kathessāmī’ti paresaṁ dhammo desetabbo. Na kho, ānanda, sukaraṁ paresaṁ dhammaṁ desetuṁ. Paresaṁ, ānanda, dhammaṁ desentena ime pañca dhamme ajjhattaṁ upaṭṭhāpetvā paresaṁ dhammo desetabbo”ti.
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.