A friendship that is fading
Friendship in the suttas is valued very highly — good friendship is called all of the path — and it is subject to the same law as everything else, in a reflection the Buddha asked everyone to make often: everyone and everything I love will one day be lost to me. Both are true at once, and neither cancels the other. The canon's description of a friend worth keeping is concrete: one who gives and does what is hard for them, and stays with you when things go wrong. It works as a mirror as well as a measure. The suttas will not tell you whether this friendship can be revived.
What the suttas say
“Sir, good friends, companions, and associates are half the spiritual life.” Not so, Ānanda! Not so, Ānanda! Good friends, companions, and associates are the whole of the spiritual life. A mendicant with good friends, companions, and associates can expect to develop and cultivate the noble eightfold path.
Ānanda says half; the Buddha says all of it.
Where this stops: Never used to make someone without such friends feel that their practice is lacking.
SN 45.2:1.4–2.3 · Half the Spiritual Life
“upaḍḍhamidaṁ, bhante, brahmacariyaṁ, yadidaṁ—kalyāṇamittatā kalyāṇasahāyatā kalyāṇasampavaṅkatā”ti. Mā hevaṁ, ānanda, mā hevaṁ, ānanda. Sakalamevidaṁ, ānanda, brahmacariyaṁ, yadidaṁ—kalyāṇamittatā kalyāṇasahāyatā kalyāṇasampavaṅkatā. Kalyāṇamittassetaṁ, ānanda, bhikkhuno pāṭikaṅkhaṁ kalyāṇasahāyassa kalyāṇasampavaṅkassa—ariyaṁ aṭṭhaṅgikaṁ maggaṁ bhāvessati, ariyaṁ aṭṭhaṅgikaṁ maggaṁ bahulīkarissati.
Mendicants, you should associate with a friend who has seven factors. What seven? They give what is hard to give. They do what is hard to do. They endure what is hard to endure. They reveal their secrets to you. They keep your secrets. They don’t abandon you in times of trouble. They don’t look down on you in times of loss. You should associate with a friend who has these seven factors. A friend gives what is hard to give, and does what’s hard to do. They put up with your harsh words, and with things hard to endure. They tell you their secrets, and keep your secrets for you. They don’t abandon you in times of trouble, or look down on you in times of loss.
What to look for and what to be in a friend.
AN 7.36:1.1–3.4 · A Friend (1st)
Sattahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgato mitto sevitabbo. Katamehi sattahi? Duddadaṁ dadāti, dukkaraṁ karoti, dukkhamaṁ khamati, guyhamassa āvi karoti, guyhamassa pariguhati, āpadāsu na jahati, khīṇena nātimaññati. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, sattahi aṅgehi samannāgato mitto sevitabboti. Duddadaṁ dadāti mitto, dukkarañcāpi kubbati; Athopissa duruttāni, khamati dukkhamāni ca. Guyhañca tassa akkhāti, guyhassa parigūhati; Āpadāsu na jahāti, khīṇena nātimaññati.
Mendicants, a woman or a man, a layperson or a renunciate should often review these five subjects. What five? ‘I am liable to grow old, I am not exempt from old age.’ A woman or a man, a layperson or a renunciate should often review this. ‘I am liable to get sick, I am not exempt from sickness.’ … ‘I am liable to die, I am not exempt from death.’ … ‘I must be parted and separated from all I hold dear and beloved.’ … ‘I am the owner of my deeds and heir to my deeds. Deeds are my womb, my relative, and my refuge. I shall be the heir of whatever deeds I do, whether good or bad.’ A woman or a man, a layperson or a renunciate should often review this.
The reflection the Buddha asked everyone, monastic or lay, to make often.
Where this stops: Never preached at someone frightened or grieving; owning one's deeds is never a reason to call an illness or a loss someone's kamma.
AN 5.57:1.1–1.9 · Subjects for Regular Reviewing
Pañcimāni, bhikkhave, ṭhānāni abhiṇhaṁ paccavekkhitabbāni itthiyā vā purisena vā gahaṭṭhena vā pabbajitena vā. Katamāni pañca? ‘Jarādhammomhi, jaraṁ anatīto’ti abhiṇhaṁ paccavekkhitabbaṁ itthiyā vā purisena vā gahaṭṭhena vā pabbajitena vā. ‘Byādhidhammomhi, byādhiṁ anatīto’ti abhiṇhaṁ paccavekkhitabbaṁ itthiyā vā purisena vā gahaṭṭhena vā pabbajitena vā. ‘Maraṇadhammomhi, maraṇaṁ anatīto’ti abhiṇhaṁ paccavekkhitabbaṁ itthiyā vā purisena vā gahaṭṭhena vā pabbajitena vā. ‘Sabbehi me piyehi manāpehi nānābhāvo vinābhāvo’ti abhiṇhaṁ paccavekkhitabbaṁ itthiyā vā purisena vā gahaṭṭhena vā pabbajitena vā. ‘Kammassakomhi, kammadāyādo kammayoni kammabandhu kammapaṭisaraṇo. Yaṁ kammaṁ karissāmi—kalyāṇaṁ vā pāpakaṁ vā— tassa dāyādo bhavissāmī’ti abhiṇhaṁ paccavekkhitabbaṁ itthiyā vā purisena vā gahaṭṭhena vā pabbajitena vā.
“Householder’s son, you should recognize these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend in good times and bad, the counselor, and the one who’s sympathetic. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s a helper on four grounds. They guard you when you’re negligent. They guard your property when you’re negligent. They keep you safe in times of danger. When something needs doing, they provide you with twice the money you need. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s a helper on these four grounds. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s the same in good times and bad on four grounds. They tell you secrets. They keep your secrets. They don’t abandon you in times of trouble. They’d even give their life for your welfare. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s the same in good times and bad on these four grounds. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s a counselor on four grounds. They keep you from doing bad. They support you in doing good. They teach you what you do not know. They explain the path to heaven. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s a counselor on these four grounds. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s sympathetic on four grounds. They don’t delight in your misfortune. They delight in your good fortune. They keep others from criticizing you. They encourage praise of you. You can recognize a good-hearted friend who’s sympathetic on these four grounds.”
Friendship in concrete terms — one who looks out for you when you are off guard, one whose loyalty holds whatever your fortunes and who keeps your confidences, one who turns you from wrongdoing, and one who is glad when things go well for you.
Where this stops: The line that such a friend would even die for you is the outer edge of the ideal, not a test a friendship has to pass.
DN 31:21.1–25.3 · Advice to Sigālaka
“Cattārome, gahapatiputta, mittā suhadā veditabbā. Upakāro mitto suhado veditabbo, samānasukhadukkho mitto suhado veditabbo, atthakkhāyī mitto suhado veditabbo, anukampako mitto suhado veditabbo. Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi upakāro mitto suhado veditabbo. Pamattaṁ rakkhati, pamattassa sāpateyyaṁ rakkhati, bhītassa saraṇaṁ hoti, uppannesu kiccakaraṇīyesu taddiguṇaṁ bhogaṁ anuppadeti. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi upakāro mitto suhado veditabbo. Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi samānasukhadukkho mitto suhado veditabbo. Guyhamassa ācikkhati, guyhamassa parigūhati, āpadāsu na vijahati, jīvitaṁpissa atthāya pariccattaṁ hoti. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi samānasukhadukkho mitto suhado veditabbo. Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi atthakkhāyī mitto suhado veditabbo. Pāpā nivāreti, kalyāṇe niveseti, assutaṁ sāveti, saggassa maggaṁ ācikkhati. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi atthakkhāyī mitto suhado veditabbo. Catūhi kho, gahapatiputta, ṭhānehi anukampako mitto suhado veditabbo. Abhavenassa na nandati, bhavenassa nandati, avaṇṇaṁ bhaṇamānaṁ nivāreti, vaṇṇaṁ bhaṇamānaṁ pasaṁsati. Imehi kho, gahapatiputta, catūhi ṭhānehi anukampako mitto suhado veditabbo”ti.
Mendicants, form is not-self. For if form were self, it wouldn’t lead to affliction. And you could compel form: ‘May my form be like this! May it not be like that!’
The argument from affliction — if it were yours, you could make it stay.
Where this stops: Directed at monks already practising; it is not a reply to grief and should not be offered as one.
SN 22.59:2.1–2.3 · The Characteristic of Not-Self
Rūpaṁ, bhikkhave, anattā. Rūpañca hidaṁ, bhikkhave, attā abhavissa, nayidaṁ rūpaṁ ābādhāya saṁvatteyya, labbhetha ca rūpe: ‘evaṁ me rūpaṁ hotu, evaṁ me rūpaṁ mā ahosī’ti.