A family member's addiction
The suttas know craving from the inside, and their simile for it is exact: the man who scratches his sores and burns them, and still takes some pleasure in the itch that is spreading them. It describes craving, not your family member, and it is not a diagnosis of anyone. For your side of it, the canon offers speech that is true, useful, and timely even when it is unwelcome, and a gift given without harming yourself, which applies to money you know where it will go. It does not describe treatment or recovery. If there is danger to their life, emergency services and addiction specialists come before any passage, and family support groups exist for exactly the position you are in.
What the suttas say
Gnawing on such a fleshless skeleton, would that dog still get rid of its hunger? “No, sir. Why not? Because that skeleton is scraped clean of flesh and smeared in blood. That dog will eventually get weary and frustrated.”
The skeleton simile — why wanting is not quieted by getting.
Where this stops: One of seven similes for sensual pleasure; use it for the hunger, not as a verdict on the person or on pleasure itself. It is about the pull of a pleasure or an appetite, not about resentment, a grievance, money one is owed, or attachment to a teacher or a partner. Where a habit has become a dependency, it is for a doctor or a program first.
MN 54:15.4–15.8 · With Potaliya the Householder
api nu kho so kukkuro amuṁ aṭṭhikaṅkalaṁ sunikkantaṁ nikkantaṁ nimmaṁsaṁ lohitamakkhitaṁ palehanto jighacchādubbalyaṁ paṭivineyyāti? “No hetaṁ, bhante”. “Taṁ kissa hetu”? “Aduñhi, bhante, aṭṭhikaṅkalaṁ sunikkantaṁ nikkantaṁ nimmaṁsaṁ lohitamakkhitaṁ. Yāvadeva pana so kukkuro kilamathassa vighātassa bhāgī assā”ti.
“In the same way, prince, the Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, and which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful and disliked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, but which is disliked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be untrue, false, and pointless, but which is liked by others. The Realized One does not utter speech that he knows to be true and correct, but which is harmful, even if it is liked by others. The Realized One knows the right time to speak so as to explain what he knows to be true, correct, and beneficial, and which is liked by others. Why is that? Because the Realized One has sympathy for sentient beings.”
Prince Abhaya — the test for whether and when to say a hard thing.
Where this stops: For deciding whether and when to say one particular hard thing; it does not judge a relationship as a whole, and it is not a reason to say nothing. Nor does it mean anyone owes another person news about their own body, health or pregnancy, or should speak when speaking would put them at risk.
MN 58:8.1–8.8 · With Prince Abhaya
“Evameva kho, rājakumāra, yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca kho tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ appiyā amanāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Yaṁ tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti abhūtaṁ atacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, na taṁ tathāgato vācaṁ bhāsati. Yampi tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ anatthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā tampi tathāgato vācaṁ na bhāsati. Yañca tathāgato vācaṁ jānāti bhūtaṁ tacchaṁ atthasaṁhitaṁ sā ca paresaṁ piyā manāpā, tatra kālaññū tathāgato hoti tassā vācāya veyyākaraṇāya. Taṁ kissa hetu? Atthi, rājakumāra, tathāgatassa sattesu anukampā”ti.
There are these five gifts of a true person. What five? They give a gift out of faith. They give a gift carefully. They give a gift at the right time. They give a gift with no strings attached. They give a gift without damaging themselves or others.
How to give, in five short qualities — including giving without harm to oneself, which answers the person giving beyond their means.
Where this stops: The results that follow each gift are framed as wealth and beauty in future lives; carry the five qualities, not the promised returns. It is about gifts of money or goods, not a measure of how much care to give a sick or ageing relative. Never use it to press someone to give out of guilt or pressure.
AN 5.148:1.1–1.3 · Gifts of a True Person
Pañcimāni, bhikkhave, sappurisadānāni. Katamāni pañca? Saddhāya dānaṁ deti, sakkaccaṁ dānaṁ deti, kālena dānaṁ deti, anuggahitacitto dānaṁ deti, attānañca parañca anupahacca dānaṁ deti.
The more they scratch their wounds and cauterize their body, the more their wounds become foul, stinking, and infected. But still, they derive a degree of pleasure and gratification from the itchiness of their wounds.
The leper simile — the exact mechanism of a habit that feeds what it relieves.
Where this stops: Māgaṇḍiya's simile is about the perception that a burning thing is pleasant; it is not a diagnosis of any particular person's illness or dependency.
MN 75:17.2 · With Māgaṇḍiya
Yathā yathā kho, māgaṇḍiya, asu kuṭṭhī puriso arugatto pakkagatto kimīhi khajjamāno nakhehi vaṇamukhāni vippatacchamāno aṅgārakāsuyā kāyaṁ paritāpeti tathā tathāssa tāni vaṇamukhāni asucitarāni ceva honti duggandhatarāni ca pūtikatarāni ca, hoti ceva kāci sātamattā assādamattā—yadidaṁ vaṇamukhānaṁ kaṇḍūvanahetu;
“Mendicants, speech that has five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people. What five? It is speech that is timely, true, gentle, beneficial, and loving. Speech with these five factors is well spoken, not poorly spoken. It’s blameless and is not criticized by sensible people.”
The five factors of well-spoken speech.
AN 5.198:1.1–1.4 · Well-Spoken Words
“Pañcahi, bhikkhave, aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnaṁ. Katamehi pañcahi? Kālena ca bhāsitā hoti, saccā ca bhāsitā hoti, saṇhā ca bhāsitā hoti, atthasaṁhitā ca bhāsitā hoti, mettacittena ca bhāsitā hoti. Imehi kho, bhikkhave, pañcahi aṅgehi samannāgatā vācā subhāsitā hoti, no dubbhāsitā, anavajjā ca ananuvajjā ca viññūnan”ti.